otoh

At around the same time as I was starting to blog last year we were hit with very severe weather (hurricanes) and I was without electricity for a few days. I wrote a few letters and mailed them off to people that I had lost touch with: a couple of former coworkers that had moved away, a friend from college, and an old flame. (I couldn’t decide between “old girlfriend,” “ex-girlfriend,” or “former girlfriend” so I compromised with “old flame.”) The two former coworkers emailed me back soon after and we’ve been keeping in touch again since then.

I feel the trembling tingle of a sleepless night
Creep through my fingers and the moon is bright
Beams of blue come flickering through my window pane
Like gypsy moths that dance around a candle flame

And I wonder if you know
That I never understood
That although you said you’d go
Until you did I never thought you would

People move in and out of our lives all the time. I occasionally see posts about “firsts”: first kiss, first date, first sex, etc. I find it interesting how we mark those milestones in our lives when “lasts” seem to be more influential sometimes. What makes them so insidious is that we don’t always know until long after the fact. Phone calls dwindle down to nothing, letters become just a card once a year before that stops too, emails are just forwards of lame jokes until one of you changes ISPs and even those come back undeliverable. Months or years later you wonder, “”Whatever happened to…?”

Not always. I met a woman several years ago that had a “last” she couldn’t let go of. Her brother had died in an automobile accident and the last time she saw him before that they had had a fight. The guilt she felt at having his last memory of her being one of anger was eating her up inside. When I met her, she was in therapy and drug counseling. I don’t know if she ever pulled out of the spiral or if the guilt eventually killed her. I do know what it feels like to be forgiving of everyone but yourself.

Moonlight used to bathe the contours of your face
While chestnut hair fell all around the pillow case
And the fragrance of your flowers rest beneath my head
A sympathy bouquet left with the love that’s dead

And I wonder if you know
That I never understood
That although you said you’d go
Until you did I never thought you would

Never thought the words you said were true
Never thought you said just what you meant
Never knew how much I needed you
Never thought you’d leave, until you went

I get along well with most of my coworkers and most of my family. I’ve worked enough different places to know that coworkers will come and go and with few exceptions we won’t keep in touch when we’re not in proximity any more. Living 800 miles away from most of my family sometimes helps with that part…. There are a few people that I feel really close to. That old flame was one of those and I was sad to think we had lost touch forever.

Morning comes and morning goes with no regret
And evening brings the memories I can’t forget
Empty rooms that echo as I climb the stairs
And empty clothes that drape and fall on empty chairs

And I wonder if you know
That I never understood
That although you said you’d go
Until you did I never thought you would

I started a draft of this post a couple months ago. (Okay, the draft was all in my head, not written down anywhere. But I often write that way. It saves on erasers.) And then last week I got an email from that old flame. I hadn’t heard the last of her quite yet. But maybe soon….

P.S. Yes, I know leaving a cliffhanger like that might be construed as jerking you around.

[Empty Chairs - Words & Music by Don McLean]