otoh

One of my coworkers today remarked that I haven’t missed any days of work this year. And I haven’t. My health has been reasonably good lately. (”Knock wood,” I say while rapping my knuckles on the top of my head.)

In fact, I don’t think I’ve taken a sick day in the last four years. That is not to say that I haven’t been sick at all in the last four years — I have been sick, but I went to work anyway. As a teacher, I always feel like I have to do twice as much work to take a day off. But four years ago I missed an entire week!

I was still at work that Friday afternoon four years ago today. The students had been gone about an hour or so. I was sitting at the computer, but I don’t remember exactly what I was doing. I do remember feeling a little twinge of pain in my lower back on the left side. “Hmmm, that’s odd.” It felt similar to the way a pulled muscle does, but a quick mental review of my physical activity for the preceding days didn’t include anything that strenuous. So I kept working.

A few minutes later the pain got worse. A lot worse. Knock me to the floor worse. And then it went away again. This was no pulled muscle. But what was it? Like any self-respecting geek (self-loathing geeks too, I’m sure) who feels an unidentified pain while sitting at a computer, I started looking online. After all, WebMD was just a click away.

Damn, the symptoms (1, 2) were frighteningly similar to those of a kidney stone. This is something I should see a doctor about. Now, I’m really good at seeing my eye doctor and dentist twice a year, but I haven’t had a primary care physician for most of my adult life. (Yeah, I know. Spare me the lectures.) I couldn’t even remember where the walk-in clinic was….

Stay tuned for more.

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Johnny Carson’s Carnac the Magnificent quipped, “Name a cure for which there is no known disease.” He tore open the envelope and read, “Swine Flu Vaccine.” (At least, that’s how I remember it. Given that this was in 1976, my memory could be faulty.) It was a national scare that went nowhere fast.

Now we hear about the potential for an Avian Influenza (Bird Flu) Pandemic. Wow! We jumped right past an epidemic into a pandemic! Our government even has a website, pandemicflu.gov, (I am NOT making this up) and a “National Strategy for Pandemic Influenza [that] guides our nation’s preparedness and response to an influenza pandemic.”

Great, and all those birds just flew down here for the winter. Hey, featherhead, cover your beak when you cough! I haven’t seen any definite signs yet (and I understand that the flu really is no laughing matter, but come on, a flu that nobody has is a little funny). My nephew, Adam, did photograph this

while he was on the other side of the Pacific a couple months ago. Hmmm. Maybe I’ll worry just a little….

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Lots of people think I’m certifiable. Now NBPTS does too.

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Today I ate no donuts
though I heard them call my name
Driving past the 7-11
The sun and my spirits not quite up
Just an expectation
of brightness soon to come

Today I ate no donuts
A small victory at best
But a victory none-the-less
How ironic, it occurs to me
I know food will not fill the void
and yet I fill the hole
with empty food full of holes
But not today

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Sometimes I become aware that I am dreaming. And it’s fun to try to manipulate the dream. Can I fly? Can I conjure something out of nothing? Sometimes. But sometimes my imagination pulls some wild vision out of nowhere that totally creeps me out.

I’ve had similar experiences with drugs. NOT what you’re probably thinking. When I had surgery on my arm, I remember passing in and out of consciousness as the anesthetic wore off. I had two vivid hallucinations that woke me with a start. Very bizarre. Then several years ago I had a cyst on my eyelid and the doctor removed it in his office with a local anesthetic. So I was sitting there while he was cutting into my eyelid — nothing like having sharp tools THAT close to your eye. And I was being pretty cool. (Really!) I was letting my mind wander and doing a pretty good job (if I say so myself) of ignoring this guy carving up my face. And then I heard him say to the nurse, “It’s deeper into the musculature than I thought.” And just that fast I had an image of this THING sending its tendrils into my head, roots spreading and twisting around the muscles in my face, spreading like crabgrass. I broke out in a sweat and he had to stop the surgery for a few minutes while I calmed back down.

Just within the last couple weeks though I had one of those dreams (and no drugs). It was very surreal and I don’t think I can adequately describe the image. I was looking at my fingers (in the dream) and it was as though my fingernails completely covered my fingertips, kind of like a thimble. And I began looking under the edge of the nail which was down by my first knuckle and noticed a row of tiny, black, hair-like… somethings. They were rigid, like the teeth on plastic comb. I ran my tongue across the area and it felt like the inside edge of my lower teeth (which, of course, is what I was probably feeling with my tongue at the time).

I looked under another nail and there were three (I mean threee) rows of those things. But these weren’t so rigid, more like beard stubble. And then — wait, let me interject here that I have no idea where these images came from. But I was vaguely aware that I was dreaming and everything was pretty benign. And then — they moved. Whatever those things were, they now appeared alive and reacting to my touch. And for some reason that so completely freaked me out that I woke up.

Even worse, for days afterward every time I started to drift off to sleep I saw them again. When the tip of my tongue rubbed across my teeth, I saw them again. And the idea of some creepy little something growing under my fingernails would freak me out all over again. Sometimes I don’t believe how weird I am.

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Taoist philosophy appeals to me. (Kindly note that I have only an elementary understanding of Taoism and the following is comprised of a lot of paraphrasing of what I think I understand so far.) Live in the moment. Accept that life naturally includes both bad and good (yin and yang). Behave completely naturally and in tune with the natural order of the universe. There is value in inaction (restraint, patience, silence). There is value in nothingness (frugality, simplicity).

We know that we will have both success and failure in our lives. I am in the uncomfortable position of knowing that I will experience one or the other within the week. I am a candidate for National Board Certification. I have spent several months over the last three years documenting my teaching practices. Scores are scheduled to be released on Friday.

If I get certified, there will be a nice cash bonus. It offers some prestige and would help with securing another teaching job if I decide to leave my current employer. If I’m not certified, I’ll be disappointed but my professional life won’t really be affected. My job does not depend on this. I’m still certified to teach in Florida for four more years. (That certificate is easily renewed every five years.) But, I wouldn’t be able to apply for National Board Certification again for ten years.

I could be worrying myself to distraction in anticipation of finding out which it will be. I am trying to put those thoughts out of my head. I have to live in the now and not worry about the future. Still, it creeps in sometimes. I rather wish that I didn’t know that scores are about to be released. Anticipation is a bitch.

It helps a little that this is a very busy week anyway. In addition to all the usual stuff, progress report grades are due, I have a department-head meeting and a department meeting, I’ve been volunteered to format a report for an accreditation committee, and I’m helping with the school production of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. All that leaves me little time to worry about what might happen. Still, it creeps in sometimes.

Someone once told me (and I have repeated many times), “I can prove that worry works because most of the things I worry about never happen.” That’s not a very Taoist attitude. Still, it creeps in sometimes.

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Clean, hard-working, dependable, quiet… Good God!!! What kind of monster have I become???

The lighter gives a tiny roar. The miniature jet of nearly invisible flame licks across the surface. I twirl the silky smooth wrapper between my fingertips and try to heat the end evenly. The leaves blaze briefly and settle into a steady glow. A thin, blue ribbon curls toward the sky. I hold fire in my hand. I control the fire. The fire lures me in.

I am a fauxhemian. I am liberal-minded in a conservative lifestyle. I have a mortgage, car payment, and two dogs. I am not normal. I am not average. But I am mostly pretty ordinary. I have many faults, but few vices. Everyone should have one vice. I enjoy an occasional cigar.

I know all the reasons not to smoke at all. I know that cigars are not “better” than cigarettes or any other form of tobacco. And my allergies make breathing even clean air difficult at times. There is absolutely no logical reason for me to subject my body to cigar smoke. But I do.

I have burned the midnight oil, the candle at both ends, and many bridges behind me. I have been “het up”, hot under the collar, and burned out. I have stared, mesmerised, at candles, campfires, and the glowing ends of cigars. I don’t know why we are attracted to things that hurt us. We are moths flitting about the flames of desire that lure us in and… destroy us when we get too close. Smoking does not make me cool or fashionable or popular. Just human.

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Look up, idiot. Sorry — talking to myself again…. It took me years to get used to the “seasons” in Florida. We have a few months of warm and dry and several months of hot and humid. There’s never much of a transition in between.

The colors of autumn where I grew up in Kentucky would start slowly — little tinges of red at the edges of leaves. You can spot the subtle signs if you take the time to look. You have to look up. I always found the color change more interesting if I watched it from the beginning. Sadly, I didn’t always do that.

Sometimes I would suddenly realize the leaves were in full color: the bright reds, oranges, and yellows that remind me of fire. This always takes weeks from when those first subtle signs appear. And I had missed it all. I would get wrapped up in a heavy course load in college or the throes of a long-time on-again-off-again romance. I would walk around oblivious to the changes going on around me until one day I’d look up and… WOW!

Since I’ve developed an interest in photography (yeah, there’s a pun in there), I appreciate more than ever the colors and the play of light and shadow. And I miss more than ever the fire of autumn leaves. I’d like to say that I never get so self-involved any more that I fail to look up and appreciate the panorama. I’d like to say that, but it wouldn’t be true. Even though I don’t have the fire to look for every year, doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot to see. After all, palm trees are real, they just don’t provide much shade… or fire. Look up anyway.

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There is no fall in Florida. The heat of summer (that typically lasts from May to October) has broken to relatively pleasant days in the low 80’s and comfortable nights in the 60’s. I like this time of year, but I miss fall.

My parent’s house in Louisville is in a neighborhood thick with maples, oaks, tulip poplars, and more. They had two big maple trees in the front yard. Along the fence in the back yard were black cherry and mulberry. Autumn was a blaze of color — reds, oranges, yellows until finally the branches were bare.

I’m old enough to remember when we could burn our leaves. First we would rake them into one large pile and jump in them. The leaves would crumble under our weight and the pieces would work their way under our collars and cuffs until we were too scratchy to play. Then we would rake them into a long, low row at the curb. They would blaze hot and bright, singeing our eyebrows because we would always stand too close. The embers would smolder for hours it seems with the smoke hanging low and thick. Our eyes would sting because no matter where you stand it ends up being downwind.

My yard in Florida has oak, magnolia, camphor, orange, and tangerine trees. In a few months new leaves will push the old ones off. I’ll rake them up and shred them for mulch. It is the sign of spring on the way rather then impending winter. There will be no blaze of color (and, of course, no burning at the curb). Sure, in a few weeks the oranges and tangerines will be spots of color amid the drying green, but it’s just not the same….

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On this third of November, I have threee on my mind. (And I really think it should be spelled threee.) So let’s 3…2…1…Blastoff! Make 3 wishes on 3 coins in a fountain and give 3 cheers for the 3-ring circus that is my life. Most of the time, it seems, that we like 3s. Good things happen in 3s (but so do bad things). I spend a lot of time with the 3 Rs in my 3-D world.

There are 3 branches in our government. (You decide whether that’s good or bad.) The Christian religions have a holy trinity (again, you decide) with stories of 3 wise men, 3 men in a fiery furnace, and resurrection on the 3rd day. Being 3 times a lady must be pretty good. At least Lionel Richie and The Commodores made it seem so. And we all know that the 3rd try’s a charm (or some variation of that). Winning 3 consecutive championships generated a new word: 3peat.

I’ve been 3 sheets to the wind (not recently) and I don’t recommend it. And 3 on a match is really bad. We know that 2 is company and 3’s a crowd. Apparently 3rd-rate romances meet in low-rent rendezvous. (Hey, the singular and plural forms of rendezvous are spelled, but not pronounced, the same…. I never really noticed that before.)

In engineering and architecture structural elements like trusses are always built of triangles. Triangles are very stable and strong. But not love triangles. In my admittedly very limited experience, love triangles are very unstable and dangerous. But some of us will tri anything once….

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