otoh

Clean, hard-working, dependable, quiet… Good God!!! What kind of monster have I become???

The lighter gives a tiny roar. The miniature jet of nearly invisible flame licks across the surface. I twirl the silky smooth wrapper between my fingertips and try to heat the end evenly. The leaves blaze briefly and settle into a steady glow. A thin, blue ribbon curls toward the sky. I hold fire in my hand. I control the fire. The fire lures me in.

I am a fauxhemian. I am liberal-minded in a conservative lifestyle. I have a mortgage, car payment, and two dogs. I am not normal. I am not average. But I am mostly pretty ordinary. I have many faults, but few vices. Everyone should have one vice. I enjoy an occasional cigar.

I know all the reasons not to smoke at all. I know that cigars are not “better” than cigarettes or any other form of tobacco. And my allergies make breathing even clean air difficult at times. There is absolutely no logical reason for me to subject my body to cigar smoke. But I do.

I have burned the midnight oil, the candle at both ends, and many bridges behind me. I have been “het up”, hot under the collar, and burned out. I have stared, mesmerised, at candles, campfires, and the glowing ends of cigars. I don’t know why we are attracted to things that hurt us. We are moths flitting about the flames of desire that lure us in and… destroy us when we get too close. Smoking does not make me cool or fashionable or popular. Just human.

Technorati tags: blog~personal~otoh