otoh

My brother is a year and a half younger than I am. My sisters are six, eight, and nine years older than I am. I grew up thinking my sisters could do just about anything and that my brother was a spoiled brat. My sisters, I’m sure, thought that both my brother and I were spoiled. At any rate, the gender/age divison made for some interesting dynamics that I know continue to shape who I am.

I don’t remember exactly what year it was, but my middle sister had moved out of the house so I was probably 10 or 11 years old. My brother and I were anxious to get up early and start opening presents. But before we went to bed Christmas Eve, my mother told us that we had to wait until my sister got there the next morning.

Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk at our Christmas party
We were drinking champagne punch and homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn’t know what to think of him until he sang
Felis Navidad, Felis Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins from his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kay
Who talks all about AA
Chain smoking while the stereo plays Noel, Noel
The First Noel

Carve the Turkey
Turn the ball game on
Mix margaritas when the eggnog’s gone
Send somebody to the Quickpak Store
We need some ice and an extension chord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rites
A box of tampons, Marlboro Lights
Haleluja everybody say Cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

All of our memories are a little fuzzy on the details, but I think it was around 6am when my sister let herslf in thinking she could sleep on the couch for a couple hours before all the activity started. She didn’t know about our deal: she was back home and Mom had told us we could get up and open presents! So in short order we had roused everyone out of bed and dragged them to the living room. Let the festivities begin!

Fred and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can’t remember how I’m kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw a breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night, Oh Silent Night, Oh Holy Night

Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Make Bloody Mary’s
Cause We All Want One!
Send somebody to the Stop ‘N Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprites
A box of tampons, some Salem Lights
Haleluja, everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the Family

I always thought that was a pretty funny story. I didn’t find out until many years later that my sister had been out partying Christmas Eve. She decided to come home and sleep on the couch rather than go back to her apartment. So she didn’t get any sleep at all. Maybe my sisters were right about us being spoiled, but I think that makes a funny story freakin’ hilarious!

Merry Christmas from the Family by Robert Earl Keen

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