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Colbert is growing on me. When the Colbert Report started it seemed to me to be too much of just a cheap knock-off of The Daily Show. But their The Word segments are usually particularly well-done. I loved this one from a couple weeks ago.

Doesn’t Fox News know that it’s in poor taste to put the mentally disadvantaged on display? [They obviously don't know what News is....]

I especially liked,

“At a college, Barry was forced to think about something that he didn’t already think.”

“He’s enrolled in a class where the professor thinks he knows more about the subject than the students.”

Hah! And that is today’s Word….

Jenn asked, “How about an either/or post–like paper or plastic; boxers or briefs; coffee or tea; doughnuts or more doughnuts; Tarantino or Lynch; folk or bluegrass; drive-ins or drive-throughs; public or private; paved or landscaped (or xeroscaped); celebutante or dirty, dirty whore; Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi; childhood or adulthood; mirrors or smoke; vertical or horizontal (x-axis or y-axis); Shakespeare or Moliere; sushi or sashimi; windows down or windows up; Apple or PC; TV or radio; knitting or crochet; tantric or frantic; dog or cat; bejeweled or tailored; day or night; food for thought or candy for the masses.”

• paper or plastic - I use plastic money to buy plastic food. Might as well put it in a plastic bag.
• boxers or briefs - Depends [smirk]
• coffee or tea - Either if hot, but only iced tea. I can’t stand cold coffee!
• doughnuts or more doughnuts - Donuts
• Tarantino or Lynch - Tarantino should be Lynched
• folk or bluegrass - Both and lots more besides
• drive-ins or drive-throughs - Walk-ups
• public or private - Private in general
• paved or landscaped or xeroscaped - I have a purple thumb; my yard is a Darwinian experiment.
• celebutante or dirty, dirty whore - Whore!
• Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi - Diet? What is this word, ‘diet’?
• childhood or adulthood - Childhood… and adultery.
• mirrors or smoke - Prestidigitation
• vertical or horizontal (x-axis or y-axis) - Perpendicular (z-axis)
• Shakespeare or Moliere - Silverstein… or Seuss
• sushi or sashimi - Either [if they're breaded and fried]
• windows down or windows up - Is this a computer joke?
• Apple or PC - Amiga!
• TV or radio - Not mutually exclusive
• knitting or crochet - Darn, I can’t do either
• tantric or frantic - Karmic
• dog or cat - You have to ask?
• bejeweled or tailored - Relaxed
• day or night - All night
• food for thought or candy for the masses - Mmmm, chocolate…. I’m sorry, what was the question?

These are hilarious and a little naughty. The Grand Prize Clio Award winning print ad campaign for 42 Below Vodka by Saatchi & Saatchi, NY. Each ad is a series of clip-art type images that tell a little story with a punchline at the end. (It helps if you know the title of each piece.) I had a mostly crappy day and these made me laugh. Go here to see them all. This one is called Government Eavesdropping:

Click to see it full size. And now we return to our regularly scheduled… nah, maybe tomorrow…. [smirk]

I never do this. Well, I almost never do these silly quiz things. But Lime got me thinking about hippies.

I was born near the end of the baby boom so I was a bit too young to be a real hippie. And lived in a far too conservative place [and I don't just mean my parent's house although that's true too]. But I knew some real hippies. And only one that stayed true to her principles. Last I heard, she was living on a goat farm somewhere on the west coast. All the others sold out went on to some other temporary phase of their lives. As I did.

I fear I have become a fauxhemian. But I will always have a place in my heart for the flower girls and earth mothers. It’s hard to take this seriously though when they misspell intellectual and sculpting. That is such a downer, man….

This photo is a few years old, but they haven’t changed that much.

The Peanut Pup is on the left and the Pooter Dog is on the right. I tried several times to get them both sitting and looking at the camera. I could get them to sit and stay while I backed away a few paces. But every time I knelt down to frame the shot one or both of them would come stick their nose in my face. [They don't really understand the stay command....] This was as close as I could get to getting the shot I really wanted.

Final exams start tomorrow. I really should be asleep [and will be soon, I hope]. The last few weeks have been a living hell very hectic and I use that as my excuse for the sparse postings here and my infrequent visits to your blogs.

You know that this blog is a filthy pack of lies fiction. Right now I’m wondering, what do you think I should lie to you write about in the next couple weeks? Is there anything you want to know but have been afraid to ask?

Just wondering not that I care or think you care. There seems to be a lot of that going around these days….

No one will ever sneak up on me as long as my pups are around. If they do nothing else well, they always let me know if anyone comes to our door… or in our yard… or close to our yard. Loudly. Persistently. A cacophonous duet of epic proportions. I feel safe. I have a splitting headache, but I feel safe.

When I got the Pooter Dog, she was about a year old and I chose her in part because she did not bark at everyone that walked past her. I didn’t want a dog that barks at every little thing. So much for that plan. And the Peanut Pup is in many ways the most timid creature I have ever met. She will shy away from everyone — even people she knows. But if she doesn’t know you she will bark at you while she shies away. But all that is pretty mundane.

Back in my naive early days with Pooter when I really thought I could have a dog that didn’t bark a lot I bought one of those bells you see on counters to ring for service.

I put it next to the back door [wait, should that be one word 'backdoor'?] and put her paw on it every time we went out. Just as I hoped, she soon associated the bell with going outside and she began to ring it when she wanted to go out. [That really freaks some people out.] And, as I hoped, she never barks or scratches at the door to go outside. I wasn’t as persistent with training Peanut to do that. Besides she’ll go out whenever Pooter does. And if she really needs to go out she will do what I call her song and dance — a low growl, one step up and two steps back.

When I’m lying on the couch and Peanut comes over to lie on the floor next to me, if I don’t reach down to pet her she will poke at me with her nose. She never barks or growls then but her meaning is clear: “I could still be across the room you idiot,” [I get no respect] “reach down here and rub my ears.” And of course I do. And she licks my hand. [I know some people think that's gross. Deal with it.] It amazes me sometimes that she has me trained so well.

It seems like I’ve been reading a lot of posts recently based on conversations with roommates, children, and other family members. I live with two dogs and hundreds of miles from most of my family. There’s only so much that goes on at work that I think it’s safe to share here. [Or that I think you would put up with reading....] I’ve lead a pretty limited social life lately. And the conversations in my head rarely make sense enough to write about. All that severely limits the conversations I can share every day.

I’m no Dr. Dolittle. [I'm more of a Mr. Donotmuchofanythingatall.] But I can talk to animals. I talk to my dogs every day. [Okay, I'm mostly talking to myself. But they are frequently in the room at the time....] I’m certain that they understand me. [Everyone understands English if we speak loudly and slowly enough and repeat the same phrases. Right?] I have definitive proof that they understand. Unless you think that proof means that I can tell them to do something and they do it. Because mostly they don’t. But they do roll their eyes with that “whatever” sigh while continuing to lie around in whatever position they were lying around in. And that’s exactly what most of my students do so who could ask for more definitive proof than that?

I have pet names for my pets. I mean they each have a name, but I also have nicknames for them that I use almost as often as their “real” names. They are the Pooter Dog and Peanut Pup, or just Pooter and Peanut. I sometimes call both of them [or is that either of them?] Doofus. And while I’m untangling a tie out or telling them they really have to go inside because, “I have to go to work to work,” that often mutates into Doofalus Mookalus. Oh, and I call them Baby or my girls. They respond about equally well [or not] to just about whatever I call them.

I know that they do understand some words and I’m pretty sure they understand more than they let on. If I say, “Wanna go for a ride?” I get an enthusiastic affirmative response. I’m really lucky that they both travel well because a couple times a year I put them in the backseat and drive from Central Florida to visit family in the Louisville, KY area — easily a 12 to 15 hour trip depending on traffic, weather, and the number and length of stops on the way. Neither of my pups has ever gotten car sick and usually they will lie down and let me drive pretty much straight through. [By the way, can anyone explain to me why backseat and backyard are each one word while front seat and front yard are each two words? I know it shouldn't, but that really bothers me.]

They also have learned some things about my schedule and habits. They know that if I’m putting on shoes it means that I’m going out — I almost never wear shoes around the house. And I’ve learned a bit from them too, but that is another post.

Here’s a question: If a student is rude to a teacher or classmate, should they be required to apologize to that person as part of their discipline? If a student disrupts a class, should they apologize to the class before they are allowed to return to it? Okay, that was two questions…. Here’s a softer version, should apologizing be one option that a student may choose in lieu of other disciplinary actions such as detention or suspension?

Here’s some background particulars. Our teacher’s contract states,

In Accordance with F.S. 1003.32 (4) a teacher may suspend a student from class. Under no circumstances shall a teacher suspend a student from school. A teacher may recommend a consequence to the principal when a disruptive student is sent to the principal’s office and the principal must consult with that teacher prior to enacting lesser disciplinary action.

The Florida Statute cited there is,

A teacher may remove from class a student whose behavior the teacher determines interferes with the teacher’s ability to communicate effectively with the students in the class or with the ability of the student’s classmates to learn. Each district school board, each district school superintendent, and each school principal shall support the authority of teachers to remove disobedient, violent, abusive, uncontrollable, or disruptive students from the classroom.

One of my colleagues recently had a student removed from class. The student is now in an in-school suspension program for that class period. This colleague suggested that the student may be allowed to return to class if the student signs a behavior contract (these are common in my school) and if the student apologize to the teacher (and perhaps to the class) for his disruptive behavior. Two administrators stated that having the student apologize would make the problem worse and might encourage more disruptive behavior in other students.

Frankly, I fail to see the logic of that argument especially if the apology is an option that a student chooses rather than a requirement forced on them. I have further comments [that it might be prudent if I never publish] but I really want to know what you think. Is making an apology for bad behavior an unreasonable alternative to offer students?

Central Florida is in many ways a beautiful place to live. But every orange has its pits.

We get most of our rain in the months of June through September. So right now we’re near the end of the dry season and wildfires (which can flare up any time of year) are common. Thousands of acres and several homes burn every year. Since last year’s rainy season was below average, this year looks to be especially toasty. Florida currently has six large wildfires ranging from about 350 acres to 5000 acres. Oddly enough though, most of the smoke I was breathing last week was wafting down from Georgia which has a few fires going too. [Georgia secretly wants to be more like Florida.]

Lake levels are low and it’s alligator mating season, both of which mean that gators are more likely to be wandering about looking for food and um… tail. Keep your pets and children on higher ground. The state will remove around 6000 “nuisance alligators” each year. Some can be relocated; others are euthanized. But as scary-looking and pervasive as they are, alligators naturally avoid human contact for the most part and there are very few human deaths as a result — fewer than one per two years on average. But really nasty bites are almost assured if you are stupid or careless enough to get too close. It’s against the law to feed wild gators, but it boggles my mind a bit that we need a law to tell people that’s a bad idea…. Don’t poke one with a stick [or anything else] either.

Within a few weeks though we should be “enjoying” afternoon and evening thunderstorms almost every day. That should raise the water level in the lakes and lower the risk of wildfires. Thunderstorms also mean lightning. The lightning capitol of the U.S. of A. is right here in Central Florida. And if you think gators are scary, lightning is the real killer — about 25 times more deadly and that’s no croc[k]. Lightning actually kills more people in Central Florida every year than all other weather-related causes combined. More than drowning, tornadoes, hurricanes, wind, and cold. (Cold? Yeah, it happens.)

We’ve had a couple tornadoes around lately too, but nothing like the recent devastation in tornado alley. Tornadoes are insidious. They may pop in and out with little or no warning. June is the beginning of hurricane season, always a good time. Hurricanes are kind of the one-stop shopping of weather disasters. They share the bill with lightning, flooding, tornadoes, and a mighty wind. What the hell, throw in a little hail once in a while too. And they are BIG. But at least we can see them coming.

You may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned the most horrible disaster to hit Central Florida every year: waves of tourists. Pray for us….