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Poor Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina. You’ve probably seen the clip. If not, go watch it. It only runs 48 seconds (of your life that you will never get back).

Clearly, she either misheard or misunderstood the question. But whatever she thinks she heard, her rambling is totally incoherent. So, I don’t understand why the video is titled “Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question” because she DOESN’T answer anything. There is a question (a rather embarrassing question for those of us in the U.S. education business) and then she talks. Politicians frequently do the same thing in moderated debates [anyone remember Barbara Walters in the 1980 U.S. Presidential debate?] and press conferences. But just because you talk after a question is asked, doesn’t mean you are answering the question.

I’m quite certain that being on a stage in front of all those people is terribly disconcerting. I would never want to do it. (Not that I’m at any risk of being asked.) But she chose to be there. And should have practiced. Not just shimmying into a swimsuit and evening gown. In heels.

On an only tangentially related note, I want to add that I do not watch beauty pageants. Sure, I’m a red-blooded hetero American male. And I’m not saying I’m above watching things that are totally inane just because there are pretty girls in it. I frequently do. Maybe I could tolerate watching a pageant with the sound off, listening to music instead. Perhaps “You Can Leave Your Hat On”….

Have you heard about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Have you heard about the psychic midget on the lam? He’s a small medium at large.

I have three main problems: I forget things, I lose things, and… there was something else….

The keen-eyed among you (and those that have been reading here for a while) may have noticed the random quotes up there in the header. From time to time (when I’m too lazy rushed to write a real post) I post a bunch of those quotes so you don’t have to obsessively reload the page just to see what comes up next because it makes an interesting snapshot of what I was probably thinking about a few months ago. Obviously, something sent me on a Groucho Marx kick when I was putting these in.

I got to use one of his lines today. A student addressed a colleague and began with, “This question may be irrelevant.” The colleague responded with, “Nothing is irrelevant.” To which I interjected, “Oh yeah? What’s big and grey and has a trunk?” …[quizzical looks]… “That’s irrelevant!” My students NEVER get that one. [But, what the hell, if I only told jokes that teenagers understand I would never keep myself entertained. And isn't that what's really important after all?]

Whatever it is, I’m against it! ~ Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I’d be in back of you. ~ Groucho Marx

You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute ‘n a huff. ~ Groucho Marx

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay! ~ Groucho Marx

Yes, we have a dining room. If it’s fish, we have it. If it’s meat, we have it. If it’s fowl, we’ve had it too long. ~ Groucho Marx

An apprentice mortician? What, do you only bury live people? ~ Groucho Marx

I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. ~ Groucho Marx

Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do! ~ Groucho Marx

I’ve a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. ~ Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. ~ Groucho Marx

Why, a four-year-old child could understand this. (Run out and find me a four-year-old child; I can’t make head or tail out of it.) ~ Groucho Marx

Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably more than she ever did! ~ Groucho Marx

Literature stops in 1100. After that it’s only books. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

Wit goes for the jugular; humor goes for the jocular. ~ Florence King

The witty woman is a tragic figure in American life. Wit destroys eroticism and eroticism destroys wit, so women must choose between taking lovers and taking no prisoners. ~ Florence King

Always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty. Always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself. ~ Richard M. Nixon

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. ~ William James

Property is theft. ~ Pierre-Joseph Proudhon

No, the sky isn’t falling. It fell a long time ago.

Life is always a tightrope or a feather bed. Give me the tightrope. ~ Edith Wharton

The previous parts of this series are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. (If you’re keeping track, there are 333 quotes in rotation now and I’ve posted 260 of them in these entries.)

I posted this photo last year just before classes resumed. I like to wear this button when returning from a break and I had it on Monday — the first day back for students.

It has been harder to find buttons the last few years (since the local head shop and record store both went out of business). A few weeks ago I was in a Walmart (don’t ask) and saw BUTTONS! They were in sets of seven buttons for $1.97. Singe buttons would usually run $1.00 or $1.50 each. I looked over the selection and saw several that I would wear. “Look,” I said, “I found a gold mine.” I ended up buying four sets that include such gems as:

Forever I walk among the ignorant

It’s been lovely — but I have to scream now

Take my advice — I’m not using it

Ever stop to think — and forget to start again?

Never miss a good chance to shut up

Not the brightest crayon in the box now are we?

Never underestimate the stupidity of boys in large groups

A couple weeks ago I happened to see this article on WebMD about the reasons people have sex. And then last week I saw that it was referred to in the weekly TMI Tuesday post that some of you do [stealing my thunder, but that's what I get for not posting as soon as I saw it...].

I think the most interesting thing in the summary was that eight of the top ten reasons given by men and by women were the same (but not in the same order). The top reason from both sexes was the same, “I was attracted to the person”. “It feels good” was second for men and third for women. I was a little surprised that “I wanted to please my partner” made the top ten from men because that reminds me of an old joke [as, if you've been here before you probably know, just about everything does].

Q: How does a REAL man bring a woman to orgasm?

A: Pfft. A REAL man doesn’t care….

I think the most scary part of the summary is in the nine broad themes into which they sorted the 237 reasons. One of those themes is “Sex just happening due to seemingly uncontrollable circumstances.” I’m hoping assuming that includes just feeling swept up in the moment, but I am really scared that there are people that think they have no control over the circumstances when they have sex. [Although, being something of a control freak I am scared by pretty much any activity if I can't control my circumstances.] I have done some foolish and dangerous things, but never did I think I had no choice in the matter. I simply chose to be really stupid. How’s that for control?

But now I relinquish control to you and your comments. I may be sorry I asked this [but I did choose to ask], what are your top three reasons for having sex?

I got this email from a colleague today (only slightly edited):

I have to share something funny with you. A girl was in my hall today, looking lost and confused.

“I’m looking for Mr. VanSant,” she said, clutching her orange schedule.

“He’s just around the corner,” I replied. “Room NNN.”

She wrinkled her brow, concentrating hard on the paper before her. “No, it says room RRR.”

I gently wrestled the paper from her, and saw where she was looking. It said ENGLISH II, and under teacher name it said VACANT.

Just thought it was funny/sad. She ended up in the right room, in a class she apparently really, really needs.

So, of course, I wrote back:

If Vacant is the worst thing I was called today, I’m doing really well! Did she have Intensive Reading on her schedule too?

My first day went reasonably well — only the stuff I already knew was going to be screwed up was screwed up.

Apparently I’m even more notorious popular than I imagined. And trust me, I’ve been called confused with much worse than “vacant”.

My first day back with students did go reasonably well. And in my experience with all big bureaucracies, if the only things that are screwed up are things that you already knew were screwed up you’re doing well. It’s when they throw surprises at you or things (students, parents, lesson plans, etc.) blow up in your face that really tests your mettle. It’s what separates the professional from the whimpering mass in the corner. But nearly all of us have been there at one time or another….

For Doll, who used to lurk here, happy birthday. I have a virtual cake for you with virtual trick candles that you can’t blow out. And I have a perpetual wish that you are well and happy.

So… back during the first week of July (such a distant, faded memory now…) I got to spend some time at the beach. I watched the sunset almost every night and took way more photos of them than is in any way sensible. [Blame it on going digital] And on this night as I stood near the water’s edge some girl comes strolling along. And suddenly I realized, “Hey, THAT’s a pretty cool shot.” So I shot. [Right place, right time, crime of opportunity?]

And now that I’m getting back into the daily grind of a new school year, I want to drift away….

Fred runs his eye down the list in his inbox. There it is. Third from the bottom. From Ginger.

There are a few spam messages he deletes.

He reads a few blogs and looks again. Still there. Of course.

Deep sigh. He moves the mouse until the pointer touches her name. Finger poised over the button. But he moves it to the X and closes the program instead.

He needs to read it. He wants to read it. He will read it.

Just… not yet….

In a school as large as the one where I teach (over 3100 students and about 200 staff members) there are always people coming and going. But I think we’ve had a much larger than usual exodus over the summer months. And some of them are very experienced and very strong — I’ll miss them. It worries me a little.

On the other hand, even with all the changes our administrative team seems to be better organized and prepared than usual. I may not agree completely with their vision (what else is new) but there is less wishy-washy-ness in our initial meetings. Now they just need to follow through. I’ll believe it when I see it….

One thing I am definitely NOT looking forward to is Wednesday. That is traditionally the day for county-wide meetings but usually those are scheduled by subject area in several locations. So all the history teachers may meet at one school while all the science teachers meet at another…. This year they have all of us meeting at the Convention Center. We can even ride school buses from our schools to the meetings and back. Woo hoo! This is a large district. Over 25,000 employees (I don’t have my reference at hand for how many of those are instructional, but it’s safe to assume that it is the majority.) The last couple times they tried this it was a major MAJOR waste of time (to me). But a lot of teachers would tell you that’s true of most if not all the meetings we have to go to no matter how large or small.

I’m trying (really I am) to stay positive. I am anxious to get back to teaching. There are new opportunities that I’m excited to experience. And we have some new people that (as always) are… let’s see, one of my colleagues described them as, “so enthusiastic it’s adorable.” Or something like that. Some of them will be crushed. I don’t wish that on anyone, but about half of the people that start teaching don’t make it past five years. Some of them won’t make it through one. Sad but true.

I don’t mean to disparage their enthusiasm. Some teachers dismiss the newbies as “naive” (at best) or “perky” or… well “adorable”. (Although the person who said that today wasn’t being dismissive, but lamenting how important classroom management is and how poorly trained most of us are at it when we start.) Their enthusiasm actually helps me to get focused on what I need to do. There is SO much that all has to come together in a very short time to get a school up and running again after a 2-month hiatus. I won’t get it all done. I never do. But I’ll have enough to get through the first day or first couple days. And if I can stay a day or two ahead the whole year I’ll be ecstatic.

The cars have left the platform and begun inching up the long incline. Excitement builds until we reach the top and the roller coaster ride really begins to thrash us around. The thrashing begins next week. Look. No hands!