Or You Could Just Keep Pressing F5 – part thirteen

The keen-eyed among you (and those that have been reading here for a while) may have noticed the random quotes up there in the header. From time to time (when I’m too lazy rushed to write a real post) I post a bunch of those quotes so you don’t have to obsessively reload the page just to see what comes up next because it makes an interesting snapshot of what I was probably thinking about a few months ago. Obviously, something sent me on a Groucho Marx kick when I was putting these in.

I got to use one of his lines today. A student addressed a colleague and began with, “This question may be irrelevant.” The colleague responded with, “Nothing is irrelevant.” To which I interjected, “Oh yeah? What’s big and grey and has a trunk?” …[quizzical looks]… “That’s irrelevant!” My students NEVER get that one. [But, what the hell, if I only told jokes that teenagers understand I would never keep myself entertained. And isn't that what's really important after all?]

Whatever it is, I’m against it! ~ Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I’d be in back of you. ~ Groucho Marx

You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute ‘n a huff. ~ Groucho Marx

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay! ~ Groucho Marx

Yes, we have a dining room. If it’s fish, we have it. If it’s meat, we have it. If it’s fowl, we’ve had it too long. ~ Groucho Marx

An apprentice mortician? What, do you only bury live people? ~ Groucho Marx

I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. ~ Groucho Marx

Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do! ~ Groucho Marx

I’ve a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. ~ Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. ~ Groucho Marx

Why, a four-year-old child could understand this. (Run out and find me a four-year-old child; I can’t make head or tail out of it.) ~ Groucho Marx

Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably more than she ever did! ~ Groucho Marx

Literature stops in 1100. After that it’s only books. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

Wit goes for the jugular; humor goes for the jocular. ~ Florence King

The witty woman is a tragic figure in American life. Wit destroys eroticism and eroticism destroys wit, so women must choose between taking lovers and taking no prisoners. ~ Florence King

Always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty. Always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself. ~ Richard M. Nixon

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. ~ William James

Property is theft. ~ Pierre-Joseph Proudhon

No, the sky isn’t falling. It fell a long time ago.

Life is always a tightrope or a feather bed. Give me the tightrope. ~ Edith Wharton

The previous parts of this series are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. (If you’re keeping track, there are 333 quotes in rotation now and I’ve posted 260 of them in these entries.)