When I was younger, my mother decided that I would keep her in the manner to which she was accustomed by writing sleazy fiction, so when I was nine, she had me watch All My Children and keep a character log so I could learn about dialogue, characterization, and plot. The following summer she got me hooked on Sidney Sheldon novels, which in retrospect were too sleazy for a ten-year-old (actually, that might explain a few things) but after five novels I started noticing that he re-used the same conceits, phrases, and descriptions from book to book. By book nine, The Master of the Game, I was sick of “her voice was like a whiplash” and I wrote him a letter chastising him for overusing the simile.

HE WROTE BACK!!! And thanked me for being so observant. And chastised my mother for letting me read what he himself called “dreck.”

I learned more from that than anything else he wrote.

Martha Stewart, however, has never responded to my criticism of her writing style, so screw her.

Did you keep the letter from Sheldon? ~Tim