Note: The characters in this story use vulgar language. If you are easily offended, please enjoy something from my archives or come back next week. ~Tim
Fred grabbed a beer from the cooler. The temperature outside was well below freezing, but the beer still had to be ice-cold. “Serious business,” he said, “and you know this is true because fairly tales begin with, ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.’” He paused for the laughs he expected that to draw and was not disappointed.
The men — Fred, his brother, two cousins, and three neighbors — huddled around a kerosene heater in Fred’s garage. A thick, blue haze filled the air that thickened even more as Fred lit a cigarette and took a long drag. “Serious business,” he repeated, “this was last summer down at the lake. It was so damn hot that week. We were making two beer runs a day and couldn’t keep enough ice.
“Anyway, we had the boat down there. The fishing was crap ’cause of the heat so we decided to go skiing. Now, I don’t ski, but I can drive that boat. So everyone else is taking turns and I just drive. Well, it gets to be Ginger’s turn. She gets shit-faced on one beer and must have had two or three already that day. But you know there’s no stopping her when she gets it into her head to do something.
“I’m surprised when she gets up on her second try. We just get going good and the fuckin’ handle breaks on the damn tow rope. Just like that.” He snapped his fingers for effect and looked around to make sure everyone was listening. They were.
“Well, she wipes out but not too bad. I figure we need to head back in, but Ginger’s out there bitchin’ that she didn’t get to finish her turn. So when I get close she grabs the rope again and she starts wrapping it around her hands like she’s gonna ski like that. I tell her, ‘Get in the boat,’ and she’s all, ‘I’m not done yet. Just drive the damn boat.’ I tell her again to get in the boat and she says, ‘Come on, you pussy. I wanna ski some more.’ You know how they say the last four words a redneck says before he dies are, ‘Hey y’all, watch this!’? Well, I’m pretty sure that Ginger’s last words are gonna be, ‘Come on, you pussy!’” This gets a good laugh too.
“So she’s out there with the rope wrapped five or six times around each hand and I gun the engine. O’course, right off she’s face down in the water and can’t let go of the rope. I cut the engine for a sec and then idle back to pick her up. She’s coughin’ and spittin’ like she swallowed ten gallons of lake and inhaled two more. Then she’s yellin’ at me like it’s all my fault… of course.” The men all nod in assent.
“But the best part is, when we get up close we can see that her bikini top got pulled clean off and she don’t know it yet. So I reach out to help her into the boat. I get her half-way out of the water and I guess she can tell that I’m lookin’ at her tits ’cause all of a sudden she lets go. She’s back in the lake, tryin’ to cover up and screamin’ for a towel. We laughed our asses off and we never did find that bikini top.” Fred downs the rest of his beer and looks around with a smirk. “But let me tell you… Ginger has nice tits!”
[Note: Learn more about Fred and Ginger here. ~Tim 6 Dec 2009]