Anti Claus is Coming to Town

Caution: This piece of fiction uses coarse language for the purpose of satire.

You’re the king of sinful sots,
Your heart’s a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots….

Scrooge was a pussy. The Grinch? Phhht – kid’s stuff. I am the Anti Claus and I am far more horrible than you have ever imagined in your worst nightmares. I’m going to let you in on a secret. The reason I am so powerful, the REAL reason for the season: guilt.

Strings of street lights
Even stop lights
Blink a bright red and green
As the shoppers rush
home with their treasures….

That’s right, guilt. Mind-numbing, heart-rending, gut-wrenching, soul-stealing guilt. Want proof? Here’s one of my proudest accomplishments:  Imagine a haggard old beggar on every corner. How many of you would drop a coin in any of the outstretched hands? But when those beggars are fat old men in funny suits ringing bells you stuff their kettles with folding money.

I wanna see Christmas through your eyes
I want everything to be the way it used to be
Back to being a child again thinking the world was mine
I wanna see Christmas, Christmas through your eyes….

I am that niggling nagging impulse you get that makes you want to reply, “Merry fucking Christmas to you too!” After all, you’ve been bombarded with advertisements for months before the big day arrives. 

I’ll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree

I keep unemployed parents awake all night worring more about how to buy toys for their children than they do about where the next meal is coming from. I keep families apart because they are embarrassed to show up empty-handed. They should know that the only thing an empty hand needs is the hand of a loved one.

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I’m telling you why
Anti Claus is coming to town

I am coming for you. I won’t be sneaking down the chimney in the middle of the night. I’m going to kick in your front door and grab you by the throat. I am the Anti Claus. Don’t you believe for a second that I’m not going to win.

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