God does not play dice with vampires

I have done the maths and I am here to take a byte [pardon the pun] out of the this vampire nonsense. The solution was so simple, I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me sooner. You see, it has to do with that bit [no pun intended that time] about immortality. If vampires live forever, barring any unfortunate run-ins with the likes of Van Helsing [or a jilted ex-lover], then the number of vampires in the world must always be increasing.

I don’t know how often a vampire decides to “turn” one of his or her victims. Some of the popular literature might lead me to believe it is a rather common occurrence. I’m inclined to be more conservative though so I chose once per century as the average rate of getting tired of the conversations with the old partner. ["Remember that time when -- ?" I remember everything. "Did I ever tell you about --?" Yeah, dude. Only like about a billion times already.] Let’s face it, even really good friendships probably last less than half that long [and marriages even less, but that's another story. And a different sort of blood-sucker. Ahem.]

It doesn’t seem like such a lot at first. Start with one vampire. A hundred years or so later there are two. And then another hundred years there are three. And so on. But, here’s where the math gets a little tricky, the growth is actually exponential. Because I figure that every vampire is going to turn one of his or her victims at roughly the same rate. I mean, that makes sense, right? It can’t be just that one original vampire doing it all the time. If you were a vampire and suddenly one day the old bat brings home a new BFF, wouldn’t you go out in search of some new blood too [so to speak]?

So what would really happen is that the number of vampires increases from one to two to four to eight and so on. Every kid that ever fell for the old penny-a-day-for-a-month gag knows that exponents start to turn into really big numbers really fast. So the way I figure it, if vampires exist then pretty much everyone in the entire world, except for me of course, would be a vampire by now and that’s just — excuse me. There’s someone at my door insisting that I invite them in. I’ll be right back.

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32 Responses to "God does not play dice with vampires"

John Wiswell says:

2012/01/13 at 00:59

Eventually you hit critical mass and everyone is a vampire. This is solved by the earth rotating to point all the McPires at the sun.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/13 at 07:53
  
  Thanks, John. Believe it or not, I considered Critical Mass as a title for this piece, but it has some other connotations that I think will be more delicious in another piece. ~Tim
Helen says:

2012/01/13 at 03:40

No no no you’ve got it wrong – for a start there are dedicated vampire hunters, take Blade for example, he takes them out by the dozens. Then they’re are those vampires that do not necessarily turn others, or kill them, I wrote about one in a story called I AM – so I should know. Besides I’d know if I was a vampire by now wouldn’t I? Hey there’s nothing wrong with sucking the blood when one’s cut is there? Oh, you mean only you’re own and not others, hmmm I wonder why that sun feels so bright…..
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/13 at 07:54
  
  Thanks, Helen. You don’t sparkle do you? I’m not sure what that means, but I get the impression that those vampires are defective somehow. ~Tim
Carrie Clevenger says:

2012/01/13 at 04:31

Clever and cute, well-written! Loved it.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/13 at 07:56
  
  Thanks, Carrie. I hope Xan thinks it’s funny too. ~Tim
Jack Holt says:

2012/01/13 at 06:16

Very nice.

Also, it’s 2012. So when those solar flares destroy the earth, the vampire population goes along with it. As do the rest of us. So not sure that really solves the problem, to be honest.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/13 at 07:59
  
  Thanks, Jack. Yes, there does appear to be a slight flaw in that plan. ~Tim
Hannah Hatch says:

2012/01/13 at 08:41

Ah yes, the endless talk of vampires. Interesting take on it Tim.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/13 at 12:04
  
  Thanks, Hannah. If vampires don’t last forever, the stories about them sure seem to. ~Tim
Craig says:

2012/01/13 at 09:26

Love that last line. Very modern and true take on vampires. I will be sure to check all guests’ teeth before they come in from now on.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/13 at 12:06
  
  Thanks, Craig. Maybe I’ll put an Unwelcome mat at my front door. Ya think they’ll get discouraged and go away? ~Tim
Quirina says:

2012/01/13 at 09:58

Very nice. I really like the square bracket thing you did.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/13 at 12:10
  
  Thanks, Quirina. That’s a little peculiarity of mine. I like to use square brackets instead of parenthesis. [Probably drives some sticklers crazy, but that's just a bonus.] ~Tim
FARfetched says:

2012/01/13 at 10:39

Loved that part about “the old bat” — but I was grinning all through this piece!

As far as the blood-sucker population goes, you know the saying about more lawyers than rats…
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/13 at 12:12
  
  Thanks, FAR. I’m fond of “the old bat” line too.
  
  And I also heard they’re going to use lawyers instead of rats for lab experiments….
  
  ~Tim
Peter Newman says:

2012/01/13 at 12:51

Maybe vampire divorce is bloodier (sorry) than ours. Or maybe you’re right. Maybe we’ve all been vamps for years…
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/14 at 08:25
  
  Thanks, Peter. There’s a chilling thought. What if I’m a vampire, but I don’t know I’m a vampire? ~Tim
Laurita says:

2012/01/14 at 09:21

I really enjoyed this. Fun voice throughout, but that last line? That payoff was money! Even more than a penny a day for a month.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/14 at 09:30
  
  Thanks, Laurita. It felt to me like a good way to end the piece. So glad you like it. ~Tim
Anke Wehner says:

2012/01/14 at 09:21

Nice tone and thought process, and a lovely last line. XD
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/14 at 09:32
  
  Thanks, Anke. I love a bit of logic and a lot of humor. ~Tim
Aaron says:

2012/01/14 at 10:08

I never considered vampire surveillance until your last line here. The timing of a knock at your door makes me suspicious of their always watching now. At least you hit “send” before getting the door! (Do people hit “send” anymore, or am I stuck in the 90s?)
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/14 at 12:07
  
  Thanks, Aaron. If anyone could set up such a surveillance system it is probably vampires. [Well, maybe ninjas, but that would be a different story.]
  
  P.S. I’m looking for a “send” button on my keyboard….
  
  ~Tim
Steve Green says:

2012/01/14 at 14:50

Tim, your humour always hits the spot for me.

As far as almost everyone being a vampire by now though? Hmmm I’m not sure if that theory holds water or not…

Speaking of water, just lately I’ve had this overpowering fear of it, especially running water, my eyes seem to have become suddenly light-sensetive, maybe I should consider working the night shift, and the garlic bread from the supermarket tastes a little “off” these days….. Hmmmm.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/14 at 17:32
  
  Thanks, Steve. Those symptoms might just be from stress, but I wouldn’t “stake” my life on it. ~Tim
Sonia Lal says:

2012/01/15 at 14:17

Wait, wait, does that mean the few humans are bound to feed a vampire sooner or later? Poor things.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/15 at 17:22
  
  Thanks, Sonia. Yes, but not to feed them would be in bad taste. ~Tim
Icy Sedgwick says:

2012/01/15 at 15:29

Very valid point, and very funny flash!
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/15 at 17:25
  
  Thanks, Icy. It’s funny because it’s true, right? ~Tim
lime says:

2012/01/16 at 16:29

i know they need to be decapitated or have a wooden stake to the heart but can they starve to death because ya know, once we’re all vampires who are we gonna feed on?
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/01/16 at 20:51
  
  That’s a good question, Lime, and I don’t know the answer. I know that in some versions they can live on animal blood even though they prefer human, so I suppose they could survive. I bet it would be a lot less fun without us though, huh? ~Tim

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