Phillip began to tremble and felt sick to his stomach. His front door stood ajar, the jamb in splinters. His belongings were broken and strewn all over the floor. Drapes and sofa cushions had been slashed. Walls were covered with spray-painted graffiti. The message was clear enough, he had pissed off the wrong people.
That message was explicit, albeit ungrammatically, in large red letters across his living room wall:
YOUR DEAD
“Like adding insult to injury,” Phillip muttered. “Lousy punks can’t even spell, but they can sure make a hell of a mess. How stupid do you have to be to get that wrong? The idiots probably dropped out of school. I feel sorry for the teachers that had to put up with them before they finally quit. I bet they were nothing but trouble.
“Now they roam around like packs of wild dogs. If I ever get my hands on them, I’ll teach them a thing or two. They think they can just push everyone around. Lucky I wasn’t here when they broke in. Probably too chicken to face me or take me on one at a time.
“I’ll make sure they get locked up and throw away the key. And you can be damn sure every word will be spelled correctly when I see them in court. Every ‘I’ dotted and every ‘T’ crossed. Maybe after a few years behind bars and they’ll decide it’s worth their time to pick up a damn book and learn how to read and write after all.”
Just then three gang members crowded into the room behind him, guns drawn. Phillip whirled around and opened his mouth to speak. Before he uttered a sound, the guns put a final resounding exclamation point on the message. Phillip was indeed dead. And he was the one to learn a lesson that day: Only in bad movies and pulp fiction do the villains stand still for a lengthy diatribe.
.
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Let's do Something Cheap and Superficial 
Oh poor Philip! This is a case of where action speaks louder than words, Philip you idiot!!! ^__^
Thanks, Helen. Poor Phillip, he’s a few bricks short of a full load. ~Tim
Short & snappy – that’s how I like my flash fiction.
Not a word wasted and what a great ending! I liked this a lot!
Thanks, Sue. That’s how I like my flash fiction too. Poor Phillip, he’s not the brightest light in the harbor. ~Tim
Nice piece. I like the idea that the gunshot was an exclamation mark. And it also goes to show that pedantry is not always relevant.
I must be pedantic, however, and point out that this sentence is not complete: “That message was explicit, albeit ungrammatically, in large red letters across his living room wall:” The word “grammatically” modifies or describes a verb. The only verb in this sentence is “was”. If you had used the verb “written” in this context, the adverb will be justified.
I hope I don’t get shot now.
Thanks, Quirina. Perhaps the message exists in a state of ungrammaticalness.
In any case, I’m glad you didn’t spray paint the correction on my living room wall. Poor Phillip, his cheese has slipped off his cracker. ~Tim
This wins. Great flash!
Thanks, Carrie. “Winner, winner, chicken dinner,” as they say. Poor Phillip, he doesn’t have all the dots on his dice. ~Tim
Hahaha! And they didn’t even attack one at a time like they do in the movies. I love these pithy little pieces of yours.
Thanks, Laurita. Ya gotta love it when the bad guys all wait their turn. Poor Phillip, he’s got a leak in his think-tank. ~Tim
Poor Phillip indeed! I reckon I’ll think hard before I correct someone’s grammar again.
Thanks, Deanna. I don’t think that was his original offense. Still, better safe than sorry! Poor Phillip, he’s a few clowns short of a circus. ~Tim
Um, actually, I think Phillip is a few heartbeats short of a life.
I could imagine the damage would have unbalanced the guy. Too bad the bad guys stayed around to finish the job.
Thanks, FAR. That’s the thing about bad guys, they’re so unpredictable. Poor Phillip, he’s about as sharp as a bowling ball. ~Tim
LOL… classic. Final paragraph was perfect.
Thanks, Lee-Ann. Even if you said the final paragraph is pretty good, I’d be doing a happy dance. Perfect sends me over the moon. Poor Phillip, he’s a few cards short of a full deck. ~Tim
Ha! He was so caught up in his rant he forgot to be cautious. Loved this.
Thanks, Danielle. If you’re going after bad grammar, make sure someone has your back. Poor Phillip, he doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box. ~Tim
Here I was hoping that they had come to return his dead relatives to him.
Thanks, John. I can always count on you to look at the sunny side. Poor Phillip, he’s a few bits short of a byte. ~Tim
Ah! Good ending – great last line:)
Thanks, Anne. If I can’t leave ‘em laughing, I leave ‘em dead. Poor Phillip, he’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic. ~Tim
Poor Fillip, just because they carn’t spell doesn’t mean they’re threats are empty.
Thanks, Steve. I think your on to something their. Poor Phillip, he’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut. ~Tim
No respect for a good monologue these days!
Fun stuff!
Thanks, Aaron. It’s a tough room. Remember to tip your waitress. Poor Phillip, he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. ~Tim
LOL Love the ending. Poor Phillip.
Thanks, Sonia. It was a fun way to end it. Poor Phillip, if stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted. ~Tim
Stood there muttering to himself – what did he expect?!
Bye, Phillip!
Thanks, Jack. I think he expected to get at least a few words in edgewise. Poor Phillip, when he shakes his head, his brain rattles like a bee-bee in a boxcar. ~Tim
Phillip has a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock.
Adam B @revhappiness
Thanks, Adam. Believe it or not, I was just about to say exactly that. ~Tim
And that’s exactly why I never wax eloquent about prophecies with poor grammar!
Cute story, Tim!
Thanks, Chuck. I certainly hope this is one prophecy you never have to face. Poor Phillip, he’s a few boats short of a fleet. ~Tim
As I read, I thought, “No, don’t kvetch about it, get out!” His literary instincts overrode his survival instinct. Loved your use of the exclamation point reference at the end. Really well done.
Take care,
JC
Thanks, JC. I thought the same thing as I wrote it, but Phillip was too stubborn to listen. Poor Phillip, you can’t call him an idiot, you’ll insult all the idiots in the world. ~Tim
Funny flash Tim.. Love the play on pulp fiction..I’m sure some of my students would like to shoot me for criticising and correcting their punctuation..I’ll have to remember the moral of the tale and take cover in future!
Thanks, Tom. I think it’s marginally safer to critique a student’s homework assignment than a gang’s graffiti, but take cover any way. Poor Phillip, he’s so dense light bends around him. ~Tim
Yeah, you NEVER waste time standing around!
Thanks, Icy. Yeah, I think I’d be out of there in a flash [no pun intended]. Poor Phillip, he’s not the sharpest hook in the tackle box. ~Tim
LOL great piece Tim
Thanks, Brainhaze. It’s always great to get a laugh from a humor piece. Poor Phillip, he’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal. ~Tim
Haha, I had a day like this railing against bad punctuation. Short and snappy. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Nerine. Any day we can rail against bad punctuation and live to rail again is a good day. Poor Phillip, his elevator doesn’t quite make the top floor. ~Tim
Not a good idea there Phill! Better act first, then do the talking. Anyways, pleasure to read, funny, witty and cool
Thanks Tim
Thanks, Cindy. Absolutely! Get to safety, then do the trash talking. Poor Phillip, he has the mental agility of a garden slug. ~Tim