I poured myself a shot from a new bottle of bourbon and then secured the bottle in the bottom drawer of my desk. Just then the door creaked open and in strode a spindly sort of fellow — a tall, lean man with sharp, piercing eyes, hawk-like nose, and a square, prominent jaw. He scanned swiftly from the sign on my door which says, “J.P. Worthett, Private Investigations,” to me and stated, “I deduce that you are Worthett.”
Noting the British timbre of his voice I deduced he wasn’t native to the borough. “Please come in and take a seat,” I replied. “What can I do for you, Mister…?”
“My name Sherl — Sherman. Sherman… House.” He settled in the chair opposite me. “I should like to consult with you on a singular problem.”
“Okay, Sherman,” I put perhaps a bit more emphasis on the name than was necessary, “tell me about your ‘singular problem.’”
He fished a meerschaum pipe from his coat pocket and fidgeted nervously. His fingers appeared to be stained with ink or some sort of chemicals. “I’ve come from some distance away,” he said, “and my usual confidantes are unavailable. I trust you can keep a secret?”
“So far.”
“Jolly good. I find that explaining a problem to someone else helps me see it more clearly. I’m looking for someone.” He clenched the pipe in his teeth but didn’t light it.
“Who are you looking for?”
“A man. He most certainly is not using his real name, but I’m afraid I don’t know what name, or indeed names, he currently uses. He was recently employed as a math teacher in a primary school.”
“Elementary,” I interjected.
“How’s that? What?”
“Here on this side of the pond we call them ‘elementary schools’ not ‘primary schools,’ but I’m guessing that is not how you lost his trail.”
“Quite.” He returned the pipe to his pocket. “He has also held posts as a private tutor in mathematics, but of course in both instances I refer only to his legitimate covers. He is in fact a master criminal.”
“And how sure are you that he is here amid the huddled masses?”
“Quite.”
I waited for some elaboration, or at least for him to finish the sentence. He apparently determined that neither was necessary. “What does this fellow look like?”
“He changes his appearance quite regularly, but in general he is medium height, medium weight, and medium coloring. Really rather a bland sort, which makes it easy for him to blend in most places.”
“Does he know that you’re in pursuit?”
“Most assuredly. He taunts me at every turn.”
“He communicates with you?”
“We leave encoded messages for each other in the personal ads of several widely available newspapers.”
I let that sink in for a moment. “What was the last message you received?”
He fished a thin packet of newspaper clippings from his breast pocket. “Here are the last several of our exchanges.” He deposited the pages on my desk. I leafed through the series of personal ads and then spread them out side by side on my desk.
THE DOG BARKS AT MIDNIGHT ~M
THE DOG DID NOT BARK AT ALL ~S
DOGS DON'T MAKE MISTAKES ~M
THE PLLOOOTTTT ~S
IT = ITSSIMPLICITYELF ~M
IT = TRIFLE, OF COURSE ~S
NOTHING > TRIFLES ~M
THE GAME IS 12 INCHES ~S
TWSS AND I'M WORTH IT ~M
“That’s certainly an… intriguing exchange,” I said.
“Shall I interpret them for you?”
“No, thanks. I get the gist of it. As you said, he’s taunting you.”
“Quite.”
“And the last one of these, that’s what brought you knocking on my door. You had to find out whether I’m one of his fronts.”
“Quite so, but I could see immediately that such is not the case. You are many things, sir — a war veteran, a lowlife, a cynic, and a drunk for example — but you are basically honest and certainly no master criminal in disguise.”
“Um… thanks?”
“No thanks necessary. I state only what I observe and deduce, you see I–”
“Getting back to your problem, Sherman. May I be so bold as to make a suggestion?”
“Certainly, sir.”
“Go home.”
He seemed frozen for a minute or so, sitting with his fingers steepled, staring at some distant point. Suddenly he jumped to his feet.
“By Jove, that’s brilliant! You remind me of my brother Mycr — er, Michael — whom I value as the finest mind in all of Britannia. Those clues were clearly intended to draw me away from home and divert my attention. Like a fool I followed right down the rabbit hole. No telling what nefarious plot has been hatched in my absence. I must return home at once.”
And with that he was out the door like a shot.
I picked up the phone and arranged to have a telegram sent to London.
WATSON, EVERYTHING WENT JUST AS YOU PLANNED. EXPECT HE WILL BE ON NEXT SHIP HOME. LET ME KNOW IF HE WANDERS THIS WAY AGAIN. REGARDS, WORTHETT.
I grinned and sipped my bourbon.
.
Note: I like Worthett. I introduced the character here and then he reappeared here and here.
.
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Let's do Something Cheap and Superficial 
I love the British voice, it was oddly harmonious and yet discordant at the same time!
Thanks, Marc. With the number of British participants we have in Friday Flash I wasn’t sure how well that character would come across. I think “oddly harmonious and yet discordant” fits the personality I was going for quite well. ~Tim
Should have seen that coming..x
Thanks, Rosalind. Maybe you should have seen that coming, but if you didn’t I hope it was a happy surprise. ~Tim
I recognized his punny name from before! Gosh, “Worthett” is cheeky. But now I want a Sherl Sherman Sherman House, which I can’t stop saying now.
Thanks, John. Look for Sherl Sherman Sherman Houses on my etsy site this spring.
~Tim
That there Sherman should be more respectful, calling dear old Worthett a lowlife, a cynic and a drunk (Not that there’s anything wrong with these traits
)
I’m surprised J.P. didn’t throw a few personal compliments back… Like cocaine-head, or morphine-monkey, or maybe Moriarty fodder.
I just knew when I saw the name Worthett in the story title that I was gonna enjoy this one Tim.
Cheers. 
Thanks, Steve. Worthett is much better behaved in this piece than his previous appearances. I have to assume the new bottle of bourbon has tempered his mood a bit. ~Tim
Ripping tale dear boy! Say what? This was very funny.. There’s a wonderful campness about it which is thoroughly British..or of a certain Englishness I should I say. I love your cheeky use of Holmesesque references e.g. “elementary” If you can find it you should check out Peter Cook and Dudley Moore’s movie version of Sherlock Holmes..one of the funniest films I’ve seen!
Thanks, Tom. I enjoyed working in the ‘elementary’ reference. I don’t recall whether I’ve seen that particular movie; I’ll definitely look for it. ~Tim
“THE GAME IS 12 INCHES ~S
TWSS AND I’M WORTH IT ~M”
HA! +1 to you, good sir.
Thanks, Fernando. TWSS is much too modern a reference, of course, but I have to admit I really enjoyed slipping that in there… so to speak. ~Tim
As it happens, I’m just finishing a re-read of all of the Sherlock Holmes stories right now, and recently finished listening to the Basil Rathbone/Nigel Bruce radio plays too. This fits in with all of those very nicely, especially the later ones. My only exception is that I can’t believe Holmes himself would miss the “Worthett” pun! Maybe he’ll spot it when he’s reviewing things in his stateroom on the way home.
Thanks, Katherine. One must assume that he was so focused on his prey that he felt such a mundane reference not worthy of note. ~Tim
I had no idea what was going on until he almost said Mycroft. The end made for a nice twist.
Thanks, Sonya. I nearly took out the Mycroft line. I’m glad it worked well as another clue. ~Tim
I’ve only read the one Sherlock book, but this was brilliant! I imagine Sherlock, an old man wandering off to recapture his days of glory…
Thanks, Ganymeder. I love the Sherlock books [as you might have guessed]. It was great fun to play with his character. ~Tim
Love the play on Sherlock, and I, too, quite like Worthett. The message exchange in the classified–brilliant. Lots of fun, thank you for writing and sharing. Peace…
Thanks, Linda. I had great fun working on the classified ad messages in this. Glad you enjoyed them. ~Tim
Well that was certainly worthett – the read I mean – thoroughly enjoyed this Tim!
Thanks, Helen. I thoroughly enjoyed writing it for you all. ~Tim
Ah, most enjoyable, my good man!
Thank you, my good woman!
I think “Elementary” was the tip for me. Sherlock sounds like he needs professional help!
Thanks, Peter. He certainly isn’t at the top of his game. ~Tim