Oh, Cecilia

I remember when the song Cecilia came out. Written by Paul Simon and recorded by Simon and Garfunkel for their Bridge Over Troubled Water album, it was generally regarded as a simple lover’s lament at best, but often as a vulgar endorsement of promiscuity.

Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia
Up in my bedroom (making love)
I got up to wash my face
When I come back to bed
Someone’s taken my place

It wasn’t until many years later that I heard that it might refer to St. Cecilia, the patron saint of music. In that context, it becomes an expression of frustration at a fickle muse. And that puts everything in a very different light. When our muses inspire an artist, it is thrilling beyond description [although that doesn't stop writers, especially poets, from trying to describe it]. But there will come a time [and it could as easily be on a bright, sunny morning as it could a cold, lonely night] when we feel abandoned. Writers, and I suppose artists in every medium, are no strangers to anxiety and doubt.

Manifestations of these doubts range from being self-deprecating in our descriptions of our writing abilities to feelings of inadequacy to full-on anxiety attacks. I took a quick look through some of the blogs I follow in Reader and easily found a half-dozen or so entries on this topic posted in just the last couple of months. And these are all very talented writers. Plus, over at eMergent Publishing’s Write Anything all of the staff writers conducted a skills audit and published the results earlier this month. Many [I think most, but I wasn't really counting] of them expressed such doubts and anxieties too. Again, these are all very talented writers.

Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart
You’re shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Cecilia, I’m down on my knees
I’m begging you please to come home

Oddly enough [or perhaps not, if you know me] I was reminded of all this because I received some very nice compliments on my writing this weekend. I am one of those people who would usually make a self-deprecating comment when I receive a compliment. In the past I’ve had friends tell me straight out, “You should just say, ‘Thank you,’ and leave it at that,” before I learned that my comments could lead the person giving a compliment to believe I didn’t appreciate it. I still fall into that old habit sometimes, but at least I am more aware of it now and I’m working on it.

Anyway, it occurred to me that one reason we sometimes find it easy to doubt our talents is because we spend so much time asking, “What if…?” And while that’s all well and good when writing a song or a story or painting a picture or any of the infinite other things creative people do, it’s not a great leap from the positive What if the character does this instead of that? to the negative What if everything I write is crap?

I know that one reason I had such an inappropriate reaction is that I didn’t think ‘Til My Fingers Bleed was very good. Sometimes I write things just to get them out of my head and it started out as one of those stories. The first draft, which I quickly scrapped, was from the POV of the musician. And maybe that colored my perception of the version that followed. Even after rewriting it, I held it for a few weeks before posting it. And honestly, I still had an impulse to click Trash instead of Publish.

After it went out in the world and other people liked it some of those doubts came back to bite me in the ass. Was saying that you like one piece also saying that you didn’t like other pieces? Of course not, but for a short while such was the sort of craziness going on in my head. Am I really such a terrible judge of the quality of my own work that I can’t even be trusted to decide between Trash and Publish? I had to remind myself that my favorite pieces are never likely to be your favorite pieces. More importantly, I reminded myself, “You should just say, ‘Thank you,’ and leave it at that,” before the craziness got out of control.

Jubilation, she loves me again,
I fall on the floor and I’m laughing,
Jubilation, she loves me again,
I fall on the floor and I’m laughing

Here are some of the posts I consulted when preparing this:

What Am I Doing? by Adam Byatt
A dialogue with a demon By Emma Newman
And then the demon caught up by Emma Newman
Writer’s Procrastination by Julie Johnson
The Perils of Comparison and the Posse of Imposters Answered by Jodi Cleghorn
the art of being fearless by Justine Musk
Looking Back by Zena Shapter
From Production to Worrying… the Best and Worst of Jim. by Jim Bronyaur
Shall I Compare Thee by Jodi Cleghorn
It’s Not As Bad As It Looks by Rob Diaz
Bomb the Deprecation by Zena Shapter
Even Writers Audit Their Skills by Icy Sedgwick
The Incoherent Ramblings of a Deconstructed Writer by Emma Venables
Digging for gold, finding lead by Tony Noland

Looking for a way to track progress on your writing projects? Get Writer’s WiP Calc now for free.

17 Responses to "Oh, Cecilia"

Adam Byatt says:

2012/03/27 at 00:58

We doubt ourselves all the time, and what we consider a ‘great’ piece or a ‘crap’ piece, still has to resonate with the reader and their understanding. We become the guide between the reader and the written word.
And thank you for what you write.
Adam B @revhappiness
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/03/27 at 13:08
  
  Thanks, Adam. I like that idea of being a guide. ~Tim
Zena Shapter says:

2012/03/27 at 03:07

Yes! It makes sense that our spending so much time with ‘what if’ has the natural side-effect of our applying the same to ourselves – great post, Tim!

(now just say, thank you!)

Zena Shapter @zenashapter

(I liked how you put your Twitter name in your sign-off, Adam, so I copied the idea – I hope you don’t mind! What a great way to make it easy for people to find you.)
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/03/27 at 13:09
  
  Thank you, Zena. *smiling* ~Tim
Helen says:

2012/03/27 at 06:55

I doubt my ability to write all the time, and yet I am amazed that others like what I write, or do they just say so to be nice (that always goes through my head) but the real thing that fuels my doubts is every time I get another rejection, or the fact that I never win anything, yet I keep writing, and I wonder why. Perhaps it’s because I have to whether I’m any good at it or not. ^_^
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/03/27 at 13:28
  
  Thanks, Helen. In one respect, everything I write is “good” because it fulfills a need I have to express myself. I have never doubted that. The anxiety only comes in when I post something publicly or submit it for publication. I think then it becomes about meeting other people’s needs instead of our own — can we entertain them or educate them or scare them or make them laugh or make them think? ~Tim
  1. Helen says:
    
    2012/03/27 at 22:06
    
    I understand what you are saying Tim and to a certain degree this is true for me too.
Larry Kollar says:

2012/03/28 at 13:55

Great minds think alike. Or something. My current blog post is on the same subject, although not as entertaining as this one.

The thing I have to watch out for is not so much the despairing, but simply losing interest. I can get easily distracted by a New Shiny Story Idea™ when the going gets tough on the old shiny thing. But I filled a big binder with White Pickups last night and I will finish it. I’ll panic once it’s in the eBook stores.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/03/28 at 14:13
  
  Thanks, Larry. I know what you mean. I think that’s one reason why I’ve kept up with flash fiction and poetry while bigger projects get shelved. There’s always some New Shiny Story Idea™ grabbing my interest. ~Tim
Katherine says:

2012/03/28 at 19:47

I’m pretty recent to Friday Flash, but one thing I’ve noticed with the stories I’ve posted is that the ones that get the most (and mostly positive) feedback are the ones that I dashed off, wasn’t sure about posting, and then decided to publish just for the heck of it.

That is consonant with the experiences I’ve had in workshops, where the work that got the most praise for being the most “polished” and “engaging” was stuff I dashed off and sent out half an hour (or less!) before that week’s deadline.

Maybe I’m a lousy editor. Or maybe, yeah, it’s hard to tell what of one’s own work is gold or dross.

During those round-table introductions at writer’s workshops, my “interesting tidbit” is always that I was published before I physically learned to write — my kindergarten teacher heard me singing little rhymes to myself, figured out they were original, and had me dictate them for her. She submitted them to the school annual, and I got in. So, like others above me in the comments thread, I’ve never been concerned about whether or not I’m going to write — it’s deciding what to show to others and what to keep for just myself that is difficult.

Now, sincerely, I have to say this is a great blog idea, and I love the analysis of “Cecilia.” I’ve never heard of the St. Cecilia interpretation before. Simon & Garfunkel seem to be a bit of a meme at the moment.

Thanks Tim!
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/03/28 at 21:09
  
  Thanks, Katherine. I think sometimes the pressure of a deadline can bring our work up to another level. Or maybe we just tend to over-work pieces that we have more time with.
  
  That’s pretty cool about being published so young. I don’t think I even got any fingerpaintings posted on the family refrigerator at that age. ~Tim
lime says:

2012/03/30 at 11:15

i never knew that about st cecilia and it does indeed change the tone of the song (s&g are longtime favorites of mine). i think it can be so hard for us to be objective about our own work because it’s so personal.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/03/30 at 12:59
  
  Thanks, Lime. S&G are favorites of mine too and I really like the different interpretation. You’re right about objectivity. In looking over the comments on this piece I started thinking about the number of times I’ve seen interviews with musicians who said their biggest hit was one that totally surprised them. It seems to happen a lot. ~Tim
Richard Bon says:

2012/04/01 at 11:48

Thanks for posting this, Tim. I really like the way you centered the post around Cecelia, such a good song. The part about friends giving you a compliment on your writing, i feel like any time writing comes up in conversation, i have this strange moment of indecision where i waiver between opening up about a lot of what I’m thinking, or just staying mum, so I could relate to what you wrote. Excellent post on writing, self-doubt, confidence, perseverence.
1. Tim says:
  
  2012/04/01 at 13:17
  
  Thanks, Richard. Actually my friends pointed out that I would deflect compliments on anything, not just writing. But I have those moments of indecision that you describe too. ~Tim
  1. Richard Bon says:
    
    2012/04/04 at 10:35
    
    Just realized I spelled perseverance wrong in that last comment. I hate when I make spelling errors, so felt compelled to correct myself here. Again, I loved this post, thanks, Tim!
    1. Tim says:
      
      2012/04/04 at 15:25
      
      No worries. I hate posting comments with errors too, but since occasional mistakes are inevitable and comments are not usually editable by the the person leaving a comment it’s a burden we shall have to carry. And if it make you feel any better, Wiktionary includes your first spelling as an alternative form.

Comments are closed.