Estate Planning for the Undead, Part 2 – Vampires

Okay, folks, we’re about ready to start Estate Planning for the Undead, Part 2 – Vampires. Help yourselves to a complimentary glass of juice and find a seat, we’re going to secure the doors now.

I see a lot of you also attended Part 1 – Zombies — welcome back — and I see a lot of new faces in the crowd too. Welcome, one and all. One of the things I notice frequently in these seminars is that most of our potential vampire clients are a bit younger. Vampirism is often considered a lifestyle choice, at least in certain demographics, and there’s no doubt that it has a reputation for being a rather sexy choice at that. I’m really glad to see so many of you looking ahead to your financial security though. Traditionally your twilight years were spent in retirement, but let’s face it, you’re going to be working for a long time. Centuries, if not forever. And how long do you think Mom and Dad are going to let you keep living with them after you become a creature of the night? Not to mention, you’re going to way outlive them now.

Sure, the media make it look like it’s all orgies and bloodfests or an infinite love affair with that special someone, but the sparkle always dulls eventually. And in the cold light of the moon you still have bills to pay. Even if you think you’re currently independently wealthy — and, show of hands, how many of you think you are? …that’s what I thought — maintaining wealth isn’t as easy as it seems. After all, most of the old vamps, many of whom started out as nobility, squandered their fortunes or made bad investments and fell on hard times. And bending other people to your will is pretty much a myth. That’s why we recommend you prepare a Perpetual WillTM.

What, exactly, can a Perpetual WillTM do for you? Basically, you take advantage of corporate personhood laws to manage your assets and provide for your basic needs — chiefly clothing, shelter, and entertainment. Trust me, I know the allure of getting way too extravagant with any or all of those. I’ll tell you a secret, the most successful vampires are not the ones you see in the movies and on TV. They’re strictly middle class, even blue collar types. They have a few million dollars squirreled away, but they live and work in the suburbs. They reinvest most of the interest they earn and they never ever touch the principal. Every decade or two they take an extended, sometimes extravagant, vacation and then settle somewhere new and get new jobs. No one ever notices that they don’t age. If they’re careful about where they feed, and without exception they are, they could live right next door to you and you’d never know it. I have personal knowledge that this is true for some of you here tonight.

The Perpetual WillTM allows them to do all that without going through the charade of dying over and over. Few things raise government suspicions more than when someone with no history suddenly inherits a fortune. But corporations can live forever. That’s a pretty handy way to mask the fact that you can too. Plus, you avoid paying an inheritance tax over and over. That get’s old fast. We’ve often heard that the only sure things are death and taxes; now that’s only half true. And that brings me to my next point.

I mentioned at the beginning of the evening that the legal definition of “undead” varies widely depending on where you live and as new legislation is pending will likely change even more over the next few years. Frankly, I think vampires will continue to be treated as legally alive, and therefore subject to all sorts of taxes and other obligations. I don’t know that for sure, of course, and to be honest vampires will probably lose personhood status before corporations do. This is another way your Perpetual WillTM can protect you. You don’t want to be granted immortality only to be taxed to death.

The Perpetual WillTM can also disburse your assets in the event of your untimely demise. I suppose once you become a vampire any demise might be considered untimely. But you may well have a lot at stake — pardon the pun — should it come to that. These are all decisions you should not make lightly.

Okay, so this ends Part 2 of our seminar. We have financial consultants available next door throughout the evening. You’re welcome to meet with them now or following the remaining session. Feel free to get up and stretch your legs, just make sure you’re back before the end of the break if you want to attend Part 3 – Ghosts, Demons, and Assorted Incorporeal Beings. Gentlemen, open the doors.

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  1. The Perpetual Will sound like a brilliant idea. I laughed out loud at this line ‘You don’t want to be granted immortality only to be taxed to death.’

    Bring on the Ghosts and ghouls seminar, I’m enjoying these!

    • Thanks, Helen. The ghost seminar will, of course, appear next week. But, fair warning, it will appear to be thin, gauzy, and translucent and will be accompanied by a distinct chill in the air. And maybe some rattling of chains. ~Tim

    • Thanks, Marc. Insurance companies like to hire teachers. I think it’s because we are so used to delivering information to people who have little interest in listening to us. ~Tim

    • Thanks, Icy. Little-known fact: vampires are responsible for banks offering compound interest. They’re the only ones around long enough to really benefit. ~Tim

    • Thanks, Mazzz. And it’s just one instrument in a well-orchestrated financial plan. It’s music to my wallet. ~Tim

  2. I love this whole concept you have going here, Tim. And nice little nods (or digs) at a certain vampire franchise. 🙂

    • Thanks, Laurita. The digs [and let’s be honest, they are more digs than nods, but I appreciate your charitable characterization] were irresistible. ~Tim

  3. The tenuous definitions of undead are precisely why I have my lawyers examining both legal and theological loopholes every hour on the hour.

    • Thanks, John. Well, at least your lawyers should be set for eternity. I hope you get some kind of discount on the hourly rate. ~Tim

  4. You got that one right Tim, the only sure things are death (or undeath) and taxes. Although I like zombies, vampirism seems infinitely more attractive, I may just keep a copy of this for advice for if I ever find myself growing fangs and outliving all my friends and neighbours. 🙂

    Looking forward to the Ghosty posty next week. 😀

    • Thanks, Steve. Maybe I should add a disclaimer to note that I am not a lawyer [kill me first!] and none of this should be considered legal advice. 😉 ~Tim

    • Thanks, K.L. Yup, until we descend into total chaos I think we can count on being taxed. 😉 ~Tim

  5. “but the sparkle always dulls eventually”

    Vampires = corporations is freaking brilliant. And the tone’s been kept up, so very nice. Wonder what the presenter means when he alludes to his insider knowledge? This is a corporate setting, after all.

    For this one, I’d be asking what their customer support hours were.

  6. Har har.. my parents have just taken out a funeral plan and I’m thinking they should switch to perpetual will..Great satirical twist on current vampire mayhem

    • Thanks, Tom. It just occurred to me that a zombie or vampire apocalypse would drop the bottom out of the funeral/cemetery market. ~Tim

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