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Tim

The Gentleman Botanist

Posted by Tim at 23:36 on 2012/03/29
Mar 292012

The Gentleman Botanist arrived in town with his cartons and cases, bottles and beakers, samples and sketchbooks, and set about studying and collecting the local flora. The children approached him first with their natural curiosity and innate lack of fear. He quickly engaged them to lead him to new areas to investigate — the first time for a penny, each time after that for promises of more.

Within a day the men would confront him — the mayor or constable, property owners, or whatever leading businessmen felt it was their duty to represent the town’s interests. He spoke to them of the importance of scientific investigation and the necessity that he be given free reign to go and do as he pleased regardless of property lines. He spoke to them as inferiors, as indeed he believed them to be. And without exception they acquiesced.

He stretched a tarpaulin between two trees and slept on a cot under the makeshift shelter. That brought the women out, tut-tutting what a deplorable situation it was to leave a gentleman out in the cold and soon he had offers of a room that would be placed at his disposal. “No,” they would say, “of course it is no trouble at all.” Not that any of them really had any room to spare, but what was a little inconvenience to the family in the service of science and Christian charity?

He weighed his options carefully and gratefully accepted one in particular. The woman was solicitous and pious. The man was solid and slow-witted. And the daughter, of course they had a daughter, was young and fair. Her name was… let’s say it was Virginia.

He set about the business of collecting botanical samples during the day and cataloging them by the fire each night. And one night he suggested, if it wasn’t any trouble and only if she was interested, perhaps Virginia would like to write some of the notes as he studied the samples and dictated. She would? Oh, that was splendid. And within a day or two it became clear she had quite an aptitude for the work and perhaps she could accompany him during the day and help collect the samples too. Besides, she had local knowledge that would supplant that of the children who had grown tired of waiting for the next supply of pennies.

Each day they ranged further afield, trudging over the steepest terrain and inspecting the remotest dales and hollows. It had not been so many years since she had been a girl whose daily activities included climbing rocks and trees. She never complained about the rigors and he began to compliment her frequently. And when they chanced upon a wildflower that she said was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, he declared that it held but a fraction of the beauty of dear Virginia. He kissed her hand and she blushed, but didn’t draw away. So he embraced her and kissed her face and still she didn’t draw away. Soon he was exploring dales and hollows of a carnal nature.

Thereafter they would set out each morning and collect just enough samples so that they had something to catalog that night and then enjoy intimacies each afternoon until it was time to go home. Then one morning he announced that he would be leaving the next day. No, Virginia could not accompany him. But he could send for her when his expedition was done and he had settled back in his family home. And it would be best that her parents remain ignorant of their liaison for the time being. Of course, when he published his research he would name a species just for her. Perhaps it would be that wildflower she had admired so much? That, he said, was as much up to the scientific community as it was to him. Wait and see. They still had one glorious afternoon to spend together. No tears now. That just won’t do.

The next morning after Virginia’s father had left for work, he packed up and left. Virginia took to her bed and cried. Her mother recognized the tears of an abandoned woman and prayed that he would be far away when father got home, lest he strike out after him with murderous intent. The Gentleman Botanist, it must be plain, was a “gentleman” by virtue of his birth in high society and not by virtue of, well, any virtue he might have possessed.

And when his work was published it was just as well that no copies made their way into any of a dozen or so small towns, each with a Virginia who had been scandalized. And each of those Virginias would have been mortified to learn that he remembered them well, but not for any wildflower. They were immortalized in print as Fissidens adianthoides. Maidenhair moss.

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Oh, Cecilia

Posted by Tim at 10:40 on 2012/03/26
Mar 262012

I remember when the song Cecilia came out. Written by Paul Simon and recorded by Simon and Garfunkel for their Bridge Over Troubled Water album, it was generally regarded as a simple lover’s lament at best, but often as a vulgar endorsement of promiscuity.

Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia
Up in my bedroom (making love)
I got up to wash my face
When I come back to bed
Someone’s taken my place

It wasn’t until many years later that I heard that it might refer to St. Cecilia, the patron saint of music. In that context, it becomes an expression of frustration at a fickle muse. And that puts everything in a very different light. When our muses inspire an artist, it is thrilling beyond description [although that doesn't stop writers, especially poets, from trying to describe it]. But there will come a time [and it could as easily be on a bright, sunny morning as it could a cold, lonely night] when we feel abandoned. Writers, and I suppose artists in every medium, are no strangers to anxiety and doubt.

Manifestations of these doubts range from being self-deprecating in our descriptions of our writing abilities to feelings of inadequacy to full-on anxiety attacks. I took a quick look through some of the blogs I follow in Reader and easily found a half-dozen or so entries on this topic posted in just the last couple of months. And these are all very talented writers. Plus, over at eMergent Publishing’s Write Anything all of the staff writers conducted a skills audit and published the results earlier this month. Many [I think most, but I wasn't really counting] of them expressed such doubts and anxieties too. Again, these are all very talented writers.

Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart
You’re shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Cecilia, I’m down on my knees
I’m begging you please to come home

Oddly enough [or perhaps not, if you know me] I was reminded of all this because I received some very nice compliments on my writing this weekend. I am one of those people who would usually make a self-deprecating comment when I receive a compliment. In the past I’ve had friends tell me straight out, “You should just say, ‘Thank you,’ and leave it at that,” before I learned that my comments could lead the person giving a compliment to believe I didn’t appreciate it. I still fall into that old habit sometimes, but at least I am more aware of it now and I’m working on it.

Anyway, it occurred to me that one reason we sometimes find it easy to doubt our talents is because we spend so much time asking, “What if…?” And while that’s all well and good when writing a song or a story or painting a picture or any of the infinite other things creative people do, it’s not a great leap from the positive What if the character does this instead of that? to the negative What if everything I write is crap?

I know that one reason I had such an inappropriate reaction is that I didn’t think ‘Til My Fingers Bleed was very good. Sometimes I write things just to get them out of my head and it started out as one of those stories. The first draft, which I quickly scrapped, was from the POV of the musician. And maybe that colored my perception of the version that followed. Even after rewriting it, I held it for a few weeks before posting it. And honestly, I still had an impulse to click Trash instead of Publish.

After it went out in the world and other people liked it some of those doubts came back to bite me in the ass. Was saying that you like one piece also saying that you didn’t like other pieces? Of course not, but for a short while such was the sort of craziness going on in my head. Am I really such a terrible judge of the quality of my own work that I can’t even be trusted to decide between Trash and Publish? I had to remind myself that my favorite pieces are never likely to be your favorite pieces. More importantly, I reminded myself, “You should just say, ‘Thank you,’ and leave it at that,” before the craziness got out of control.

Jubilation, she loves me again,
I fall on the floor and I’m laughing,
Jubilation, she loves me again,
I fall on the floor and I’m laughing

Here are some of the posts I consulted when preparing this:

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'Til My Fingers Bleed

Posted by Tim at 23:54 on 2012/03/22
Mar 222012

The old guy was good, I have to give him that. Too good to be busking on some street corner late at night for spare change. But that’s where I met him. I listened for a while. Tossed some coins into his guitar case. Listened some more. He nodded his appreciation and kept playing.

The wind was whipping up and I got a chill. There was a convenience store just down the block so I went in for a coffee. What the hell. I got two cups and took one back to the guy making music. I held it up to him. He sort of grinned and said, “Thanks, but I gotta keep playing ’til midnight.”

“What,” I said, “you got a contract or something?”

“Exactly.” And he kept on playing.

I set the cup down next to his case and listened for another minute or so. Then I continued on my way home. But there was something about the way he played, the way he looked, that I couldn’t get out of my head. I wandered around for a while sipping my coffee and near midnight I found myself back on that street corner. No one else was there, but he kept on playing.

“It’s almost quitting time,” I said.

He nodded.

“Coffee’s probably cold by now. I can get you a fresh one before the store closes.”

“Thank you,” he said, “but you’re my audience. That’s all I needed.”

“That part of your contract too?” I smirked.

“Yep. Just like he promised on the crossroad.”

Oh, great, I thought, another one of those ‘deal with the devil’ whackos. I should get on home now. But I stood there just the same.

His fingers flew over the strings in a way that didn’t seem humanly possible. He grinned. He knew he had me hooked.

“All I wanted,” he told me, “was to be the best and to always have an audience willing to listen to me play. Maybe I should have asked to be rich and famous too, but I didn’t. So that’s not part of the deal.”

His guitar was making the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard.

“I can always get a gig,” he continued, “as long as I’m willing to work for tips. Or for free. And there’s always an audience, but sometimes that’s whoever passes by on some street corner like you did. Sometimes it’s just an old wino even more down on his luck than me.

“I play every night ’til midnight. Sometimes ’til my fingers bleed. I never dreamed that playing could become a chore, that I could ever lose my love for it. All I wanted, or thought I wanted, was to be the best. But one of these nights I’ll find myself back out at the crossroads. I’ll stop playing. Lay down my guitar. And die.”

“Well,” I said, “you’re a hell of a guitar player, if you’ll pardon the expression. I never had a talent for music. I’d give anything to play like that.”

I was startled by a voice from behind me that asked, “Anything?”

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I am not a Tool

Posted by Tim at 21:15 on 2012/03/19
Mar 192012

I’ve been letting my inner geek out to play and he put together a spreadsheet to track the progress of writing projects. Of course, I made pretty much zero progress on my writing projects while I was playing with the spreadsheet. That’s just the way things go. But you need not suffer the same fate because I am making the template available for free.

For now, you have to request a copy because I’m looking for people who are willing to give it a try and provide feedback. You need a Google account for access to Gmail and Google Docs. Instructions and screen shots are over here.

Let me know in the comments or contact me (Tim.VanSant.Writes [at] gmail [dot] com) if you’re willing to give this tool a try.

A Stitch in Time

Posted by Tim at 11:10 on 2012/03/16
Mar 162012

I seem to have lost an hour sometime early Sunday morning. And so it was that I felt compelled to travel to the Great Oracle of Circadia.

The Oracle sat, motionless and utterly inscrutable.

“Pardon me,” I said, “do you have time to answer a question?”

“Yes.” The oracle blinked. “And now I suppose you want to ask another one.”

“Huh? Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, actually I have a couple more questions if that’s okay.”

A smile played softly across the Oracle’s lips, but it gave no response.

I realized I had not asked another question. “I seem to have lost an hour,” I said. “Can you tell me what happened to it?”

The Oracle resumed an inscrutable pose. “Let me tell you a story.”

I waited a beat or two. It hadn’t asked me a question. “Please do,” I said.

“It used to be enough for you humans to follow the sun for your time,” said the Oracle. “You would work when it was light and rest when it was dark. Then you noticed that the moon and stars also followed regular patterns and you became obsessed with measuring time. You used dripping water, swinging pendulums, and uncoiling springs to regulate your measurements. Then you determined that vibrations of crystals like quartz could provide precision beyond human perception. And still that wasn’t enough. Now your scientists have developed clocks that use the changing energy states of electrons and precision of 10-9 seconds has become an international standard. And yet…”

The Oracle appeared to be upset. I remained quiet and waited. A moment later it settled down and continued.

“And yet some of you set your watches ahead five minutes to trick yourselves into being on time for your appointments.”

I was confused. “What does that have to do with the missing hour?”

“Nothing. It just really pisses me off. I mean, can’t they just be on time without pretending they’re getting away with being late? What is wrong with those people anyway?”

Never having engaged in the practice myself, I was at a loss to answer the Oracle’s question. And I was beginning to suspect that it was at a loss to answer mine.

At last it said, “So, about that missing hour. I’m afraid you are the victim of the ‘Daylight Saving Trick.’ All the timekeepers in the realm have been ordered to advance the time by an hour.”

“But why?”

“Because there was too much resistance to an 8-to-4 workday. Working 9-to-5 has become ingrained in your culture, even though hardly anybody really does work 9-to-5. It is folklore that is embodied in your stories and songs. It is part of your lexicon. It is, for better or worse, what everyone thinks is a standard workday.”

“But how can they do that? How can they say the time is different from what we all know it is?”

“How do you know what time it is?”

“I have a watch. And clocks in my house. I mean, it’s not like my microwave suddenly started blinking 1:00 instead of 12:00. Maybe that’s a bad example though.”

“And you check the accuracy of your clocks by comparing them to other clocks, right?”

“Sure.”

“And whatever time is displayed on most of those clocks most of the time is generally agreed to be the correct time?”

“Of course.”

“Regardless of what the sun, moon, and stars are doing?”

“Um, well, I guess so. But I think if the sun was high in the sky at midnight we’d suspect something was amiss.”

“Some of you might. The point is this: the time is whatever time we say it is.”

“So if everyone else says it’s three o’clock when I know it’s two o’clock I pretty much have to go along with it?”

“That’s it in a nutshell.”

“But I miss that hour. I want it back.”

“There will come a day that repeats an hour. That 25-hour day will set all the clock back to the former time. But I predict….”

“What? You predict what?”

“You’ll be back here bitching about that too.”

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Lover's Leap

Posted by Tim at 00:17 on 2012/03/09
Mar 092012

“I thought you were dead,” I tell her.

She smiles, but doesn’t speak. It’s so good to see her again. Even here at the cliff where it happened.

No one comes up here any more. Not at night anyway. Its too dangerous. So I come alone. Every night. And every night is just like this, shrouded in fog. I don’t know what I expect to find here. Certainly not her, yet here she is. Diaphanous gown, ethereal body. A spectral vision. Or is she?

I move closer to the edge. The fog roils around me.

“I’ve missed you so much,” I continue. And still she says nothing. Maybe she can’t hear me. I move closer.

I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve forgotten something. Something important. What was it? I take another step, but it doesn’t bring me any closer to the answer.

I should know this. Whatever it is, I should know. I should remember. Another step. If I can just get to where she is, then perhaps….

“I thought you were dead,” I tell her again.

And as I take the last step into oblivion she finally answers, “We are.”

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The Carrier

Posted by Tim at 00:12 on 2012/03/02
Mar 022012

Candace and Hannah were the first to go. They were a wild pair and it didn’t surprise any of us when they burned. They were known to stand outside until the first rays of morning sun tinged the sky and then run shrieking and cackling into hiding. “Working on my tan,” they called it with a laugh. Risk takers. Irresponsible children. Whatever. In truth there were more than a few of us in the community who weren’t at all sad to lose them.

Leonard was next. At first we didn’t even associate it with the women’s demise. We found him, what was left of him, inside his home. We assumed someone had dragged him into the sunlight and then left his remains where we were sure to find them. A message. Over the ages, it wasn’t that unusual. But who had found Leonard out?

Then it happened three more times; Benny, Phil, and Tom all disappeared within days of each other. They were young, sure, but careful. Quiet. Discreet. The community went on full alert and lock-down. No one went out at all. We had enough blood stored to see us through most disasters. And we had our stable of willing victims who would come to us.

That should have kept us safe. It always had. But we had never faced a scourge like this. And the next to go was Grigore, one of the ancient ones. Founder of our local community. Fear and panic raced through us like the fire that had consumed our friends. If Grigore’s centuries of experience could not keep him safe, what chance did the rest of us have?

A dozen more of us would be ashes before we made the connection. It wasn’t until after Madeline — dear, sweet, Madeline, a tiny little slip of a girl — burned right in front of us that we realized we were facing something completely new and insidious. No one, nothing, was dragging us out into daylight. Somehow, the daylight was getting inside us.

It was impossible, but it was happening. We wracked our brains to find what, or who, all the victims had in common. And we found one. One woman on whom all our friends had fed before their agonizing destruction. Like Typhoid Mary from the turn of the last century our Little Mary Sunshine was a carrier, but of some malady we never knew existed. Never believed could exist. Yet once we disposed of her things returned to normal. Of course, normal would never be the same again.

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J.P. Worthett, Consulting Detective

Posted by Tim at 01:45 on 2012/02/24
Feb 242012

I poured myself a shot from a new bottle of bourbon and then secured the bottle in the bottom drawer of my desk. Just then the door creaked open and in strode a spindly sort of fellow — a tall, lean man with sharp, piercing eyes, hawk-like nose, and a square, prominent jaw. He scanned swiftly from the sign on my door which says, “J.P. Worthett, Private Investigations,” to me and stated, “I deduce that you are Worthett.”

Noting the British timbre of his voice I deduced he wasn’t native to the borough. “Please come in and take a seat,” I replied. “What can I do for you, Mister…?”

“My name Sherl — Sherman. Sherman… House.” He settled in the chair opposite me. “I should like to consult with you on a singular problem.”

“Okay, Sherman,” I put perhaps a bit more emphasis on the name than was necessary, “tell me about your ‘singular problem.’”

He fished a meerschaum pipe from his coat pocket and fidgeted nervously. His fingers appeared to be stained with ink or some sort of chemicals. “I’ve come from some distance away,” he said, “and my usual confidantes are unavailable. I trust you can keep a secret?”

“So far.”

“Jolly good. I find that explaining a problem to someone else helps me see it more clearly. I’m looking for someone.” He clenched the pipe in his teeth but didn’t light it.

“Who are you looking for?”

“A man. He most certainly is not using his real name, but I’m afraid I don’t know what name, or indeed names, he currently uses. He was recently employed as a math teacher in a primary school.”

“Elementary,” I interjected.

“How’s that? What?”

“Here on this side of the pond we call them ‘elementary schools’ not ‘primary schools,’ but I’m guessing that is not how you lost his trail.”

“Quite.” He returned the pipe to his pocket. “He has also held posts as a private tutor in mathematics, but of course in both instances I refer only to his legitimate covers. He is in fact a master criminal.”

“And how sure are you that he is here amid the huddled masses?”

“Quite.”

I waited for some elaboration, or at least for him to finish the sentence. He apparently determined that neither was necessary. “What does this fellow look like?”

“He changes his appearance quite regularly, but in general he is medium height, medium weight, and medium coloring. Really rather a bland sort, which makes it easy for him to blend in most places.”

“Does he know that you’re in pursuit?”

“Most assuredly. He taunts me at every turn.”

“He communicates with you?”

“We leave encoded messages for each other in the personal ads of several widely available newspapers.”

I let that sink in for a moment. “What was the last message you received?”

He fished a thin packet of newspaper clippings from his breast pocket. “Here are the last several of our exchanges.” He deposited the pages on my desk. I leafed through the series of personal ads and then spread them out side by side on my desk.

THE DOG BARKS AT MIDNIGHT ~M

THE DOG DID NOT BARK AT ALL ~S

DOGS DON'T MAKE MISTAKES ~M

THE PLLOOOTTTT ~S

IT = ITSSIMPLICITYELF ~M

IT = TRIFLE, OF COURSE ~S

NOTHING > TRIFLES ~M

THE GAME IS 12 INCHES ~S

TWSS AND I'M WORTH IT ~M

“That’s certainly an… intriguing exchange,” I said.

“Shall I interpret them for you?”

“No, thanks. I get the gist of it. As you said, he’s taunting you.”

“Quite.”

“And the last one of these, that’s what brought you knocking on my door. You had to find out whether I’m one of his fronts.”

“Quite so, but I could see immediately that such is not the case. You are many things, sir — a war veteran, a lowlife, a cynic, and a drunk for example — but you are basically honest and certainly no master criminal in disguise.”

“Um… thanks?”

“No thanks necessary. I state only what I observe and deduce, you see I–”

“Getting back to your problem, Sherman. May I be so bold as to make a suggestion?”

“Certainly, sir.”

“Go home.”

He seemed frozen for a minute or so, sitting with his fingers steepled, staring at some distant point. Suddenly he jumped to his feet.

“By Jove, that’s brilliant! You remind me of my brother Mycr — er, Michael — whom I value as the finest mind in all of Britannia. Those clues were clearly intended to draw me away from home and divert my attention. Like a fool I followed right down the rabbit hole. No telling what nefarious plot has been hatched in my absence. I must return home at once.”

And with that he was out the door like a shot.

I picked up the phone and arranged to have a telegram sent to London.

WATSON, EVERYTHING WENT JUST AS YOU PLANNED. EXPECT HE WILL BE ON NEXT SHIP HOME. LET ME KNOW IF HE WANDERS THIS WAY AGAIN. REGARDS, WORTHETT.

I grinned and sipped my bourbon.

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Note: I like Worthett. I introduced the character here and then he reappeared here and here.

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To the Aisle

Posted by Tim at 00:27 on 2012/02/17
Feb 172012

Contestant Three-Two balanced on the precipice of defeat. She had made it to the final bout and only Six-Five, and a disasterous lapse in concentration, stood in her way. With the trial nearly at an end her confidence faltered. Three-Two was engaged in a battle with an opponent who fights dirty.

Round one had gone to Three-Two while Six-Five got a warning of disqualification. It was a pattern that Six-Five had followed in every bout — get in an illegal hit during the first round, take the warning and hurt the opponent enough to gain an advantage in the last two rounds. It was a strategy that most contestants thought was unfair. It was a strategy that stretched the rules. It was a strategy that worked.

Round two went easily to Six-Five. It was all Three-Two could do to stay on her feet. Six-Five lacked the physical strength of most of the contestants. She was too tall and too thin. But she was willing to hit the most vulnerable areas and relentless once she gained an advantage. The blows were light and would be ineffective had they not been aimed at an injured opponent. The barrage kept Three-Two from recovering from her first-round injury.

With one minute before the final round, Three-Two saw all that she had worked for slipping away. It was now or never. Win the prize that she had dreamed of since she was a little girl or accept the fate that most of them endured. If she failed she would return to the rank and file, doomed to a lonely and bleak existence. Could she fight her way back to the top again? No one ever had. She thought of the boy she had met once. How a single conversation led to her decision to conquer the ring. How each bracket in the tournament had brought her a step closer to this moment. A step closer to….

Three-Two dragged herself to her feet at the sound of the bell for the third and final round. She knew that win or lose this would be the last round she would ever fight. Six-Five taunted her from across the ring, looking for an opening to unleash another attack and take the match. Six-Five was smiling. Three-Two narrowed her focus onto that smile. It was a bit of a reach, but it was a target. And she knew that any contact there would be deeply satisfying. “Wipe that smile off her face,” she thought.

Three-Two managed a glancing blow, but it was enough to interrupt Six-Five’s taunting. Three-Two took full advantage of the pause and moved in with a series of jabs. Six-Five back-pedaled into the ropes. Three-Two stood her ground forcing Six-Five sideways and off-balance. When they squared up again Three-Two was ready with two uppercuts and a roundhouse that did indeed wipe the smile from Six-Five’s face and left her sprawled on the mat. Six-Five was knocked out. Three-Two’s heart fairly glowed with the victory.

The rest of the day was a blur. She had won the match, but there were always last-minute details to attend to — a final fitting of her dress, getting her hair done, applying make-up (specially designed to cover bruises), tying flowers with the traditional five satin ribbons…. Finally she stood at the end of the aisle ready to claim her prize. Her slightly swollen eyes filled with tears as the official intoned, “Do you take this man….”

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Note: The inspiration for this piece came from these two businesses that happen to be next door to each other, Modern Bridal Shop and Elite Fighting Academy. At least, I assume the proximity is coincidental, but [cynical, curmudgeonly me] I always imagine they are somehow connected. Or they have some potential for cross-promotion anyway. And then I wondered, what if in some dystopian society this is really one business, not two? What if the path to marriage involves a series of battles [with someone other than your future in-laws]? I further amused myself by working in references to a 1957 song by the doo-wop group The Five Satins. It was a much more cynical satisfying choice than the obvious, What’s Love Got Do With It.

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Cy

Posted by Tim at 00:45 on 2012/02/10
Feb 102012

“Annie,” I whispered.

“Annie,” Chris called out.

And so began the verbal dance. I whispered and he spoke. My words became his words and his face, my face. Together we seduced fair Annie. But he alone could claim the prize of our conquest. For where my words passed easily from my lips to his, Annie’s kisses would never pass to mine. Not so long as…

And so I invited my friend to walk with me some little way. I beseeched him step aside and leave me one chance to woo Annie on my own merits. Now that I knew my words had the power, I was emboldened. Perhaps this hideous face of mine did not matter so much after all.

He refused, as I knew he would. I knew because I would have refused in his place. And knowing, I had arranged to have his misfortune lying in wait. A gang of robbers fell upon him to steal his looks and take his gold for their trouble. It was a savage beating he endured. Not to kill, for I dared not make him a martyr. But disfiguring. Annie might forgive his loss of words if he still were pretty. But how could she love this mis-shapen ape and his unintelligible grunts?

Leaving my friend battered and bleeding in the street I set off in quest of my love. And there, at the window, she took away my breath. “Annie,” I whispered. Then, remembering my resolve…

“Annie,” I called out.

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Note: This is a revision of a piece I posted on 22 April 2010 in which I’ve taken the liberty of rewriting a classic. Hey, it’s not like that never happens, right? I hope you enjoy it. Or at least, you know, forgive me.

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