Germ of an Idea

In honor of all those teachers and students returning to classrooms this fall here is an update of a story I published on another site a couple years ago.

I’m wondering what it would be like if we saw our teachers more like we see our doctors… young children would receive some basic instruction in numbers and letters like inoculations. Beyond that families [if they can afford it] would choose an education-care provider with whom they schedule regular check-ups. That provider may prescribe any number of lessons or refer patients to specialists. There would be emergency rooms and critical-care facilities when an individual becomes acutely aware of an educational shortcoming and they would receive intensive remediation. Best of all [really!], employers would routinely provide ignorance insurance [Blue Cross/Blue Shield might develop a Yellow Pencil/Red Pen division] to underwrite the cost of continuing education.

Johnny arrives fifteen minutes early for his appointment. He fills out [well, mostly fills out and most of that illegibly] three pages of forms and then sits in the waiting room. Thirty minutes later he is ushered into an examination room where he is given a pop quiz by an EdTech [Educational Technician].

“You have ten minutes,” says the EdTech, as she writes the time, date, and her name [let's say... Ms. Amy] in neat, block letters on a dry-erase board in front of Johnny.

“Miss,” Johnny raises his hand, “I don’t have a pencil.”

Ms. Amy hands Johnny a sharp #2 pencil [for which he will be billed $5.00] and with a sigh and slight shake of her head makes a note on his chart [his PERMANENT record...].

Johnny bends over the quiz paper and answers most of the questions [again, mostly illegibly] and embellishes the page with stray doodles. At ten minutes [timed to the second, of course] Amy reaches for the paper. “Time’s up!”

“Miss, do you count off for spelling?”

“Only when it’s wrong. The teacher will be with you shortly.” Amy leaves, placing Johnny’s chart and quiz in a plastic bin on the wall.

Johnny stares blankly at the wall and chews idly on the pencil. A few minutes later the teacher [let's call her Dr. Brennan] enters.

“Good morning, Johnny! Please sit up straight.”

“Good morning, Dr. Brennan.”

She flips quickly through his chart, frowning at the pop quiz results and stealing a side-long glance at the pencil wedged again in his teeth. Johnny notices and guiltily drops the pencil to his lap.

“It’s not time for your regular check-up, Johnny. What’s up?”

“It’s the maths.”

“Can you be more specific?”

“It’s just all of it. I was looking at my bank statement last week…”

Problem with balance, Dr. Brennan notes in his chart.

“…and I was trying to subtract all the checks I wrote…”

Doesn’t know the difference.

“…and I just got all confused…”

Thank God he’s not multiplying — oops, that’s for another visit!

Dr. Brennan flips back a few pages in the chart. “I see we’ve treated you for this before.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“I gave you three sample problems and a workbook?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Did you finish them?”

“Well, mostly. But then I had to work overtime for a few days and my car broke down and I slept late and my Mom didn’t wake me up and –”

Dr. Brennan holds up a hand. “I get the picture. We can repeat the treatment, but it won’t do any good if you don’t complete it. I hesitate to send you to a specialist… since it wasn’t a failure of the treatment but your failure to follow instructions it falls under the pre-existing conditions exemption clause and your insurance won’t cover it.”

“How much will it cost?”

Test for comprehension of irony during follow-up she noted… “A private tutor can easily run $300 an hour; group sessions can be arranged for as little as $100 an hour, but there might be as many as six people in the group.”

“Six people at a time! How can one tutor help six people at a time?”

“Well, obviously you’ll get less individual attention, but they’ve been very successful even with severe cases. They are highly-trained professionals, after all”

“Doesn’t matter. I can’t afford either of those, especially if insurance isn’t going to cover it.”

There may be hope for you after all….

“Can I have another workbook?”

“Do you mean, ‘May I have another workbook, please?’”

“Yes, ma’am. May I have another workbook, please?”

“Promise me you’ll finish it and schedule a follow-up appointment in… let’s say two weeks.”

“I promise.”

“Okay, Johnny. Ms. Amy will be back in just a moment. She will give you the workbook and schedule your follow-up. And here…” she holds out a jar of candy.

“A lollipop. Thanks, Dr. Brennan!”

You can call it that. I call it a sucker…. “Bye, Johnny. See you in two weeks.”

.

.

.

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I, Teach

“I am a teacher
and a repeat offender,”
I said with conviction.
Tried, convicted, sentenced.
I serve my sentence
[grammatically correct, of course]
within these walls
painted institutional green
and ply my trade
from the inside.
And I count the days
until June.

The Well of Lost Souls

I recently found a student ID in the cafeteria and went this afternoon to the media center to turn it in. As I handed the card to the clerk she exclaimed, “A lost soul!” and began looking up the student’s schedule on the computer.

As I turned to leave I heard another clerk chime in, “I bet we could sell their souls.” And they both laughed.

“I always knew y’all were evil,” I called over my shoulder as I exited the building.

[I almost typed "I existed the building" in the sentence above. That reminds me -- don't ask why, it's just the way my brain [doesn't] work — that every time I approach a building with a sign declaring “Entrance” over the front door I think that if I ever build my dream house I will put a sign over the front door that says “Enchant” instead.]

Granted, this is not much of a story but I got a chuckle out of it. Plus, one of the media specialists sent us an email today alerting us to Literacy Week [which is next week] and gave me an idea for a Friday Flash that I now have planned for this week. Overall, I think that’s the most I have ever gotten out of our media center….

And here’s a final thought: going green is all the rage in certain circles these days. At the bottom of the email referenced above is this handy green tip, “Do you really need to print this email?” And I’m thinking, “Shoot, most of the time I don’t even need to read your emails.”

Exchange Rate

I had a conversation this morning that started like this:

Administrator: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Peachy!
Administrator: Oh, I wish I could say that.
Me (pausing a half-beat and then deciding what the hell): I wish I were telling the truth….

The first week of school is always stressful. You’ve heard the aphorism, “Make God Laugh. Make plans.“? If (s)he has a floor, (s)he is rolling on it and laughing his/her/its ass off this time every year. Still, we make plans. And then we show up and see what happens. And plans usually go out the window.

Overall, today went fairly well. So tomorrow I’ll show up again. And see what happens….

Op… Wait for it… timism

So, the first day of classes went fairly well. There were two [imo major] snags — one completely out of our control [a district-wide computer network failure late in the day] and one I attribute to administrative amnesia [allotting the shortest time to the class period with the most to get done].

I ended the day feeling bone tired.

There is a specter over my shoulder — the ghost of school years past. Here is my impression of the way administrators plan things:

• There is a list of “this is how we always do it” notes
• They plan a day based on those notes
• They ask for suggestions on “how we can do better next time” notes
• They thank us profusely [though rarely convincingly] for our honest input
• The list of “this is how we always do it” notes NEVER gets revised
• So every year we have the SAME DAMN PROBLEMS

Maybe I’m just cynical….

Lesson Plan

Students return on Monday. I am adopting Napoleon’s Battle Plan^1,2:

First we show up.
Then we see what happens.

Whew! Now what am I going to do with all the rest of my prep time????

YoS

What one of my colleagues refers to as the Year of Suck, an especially difficult and frustrating school year, is coming to a close. Senior exams are finished and graduation is tomorrow Doh! — graduation is next Friday. See how tired I am? [for most of them]. We have another week with underclassmen before their final exams begin. Trying to keep them focused and on task is rather like herding [big, obnoxious, self-centered, rude] cats [with an exaggerated sense of importance and entitlement (but I'm not bitter)]. I am SO ready for this year to be over, but I refuse to give in to the temptation stop teaching and coast for the last few days.

But… I’m just so damn tired.

DHMO Danger

All of the following statements about hydroxic acid (DHMO) are absolutely true and independently verifiable:

• It is a colorless and odorless chemical compound
• Its atomic components are found in a number of caustic, explosive and poisonous compounds such as Sulfuric Acid, Nitroglycerine and Ethyl Alcohol
• It is a primary constituent of acid rain
• It contributes to the greenhouse effect and global warming
• It is a major component of acid rain
• It contributes to soil erosion
• It leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals
• Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits
• Inhalation of even small amounts can lead to death in a few minutes
• Its gaseous form can cause severe burns
• Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage
• Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
• It is associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere, and in hurricanes including deadly storms in Florida, New Orleans and other areas across the globe
• It may not be dumped into landfills in the U.S. and if found in a landfill must be removed
• However, it may be dumped with virtually no restriction into lakes, rivers, and streams
• It is widely distributed throughout the U.S. and can legally be sold to minors
• It is widely available in schools and administrators have no idea how much of the substance is used by students while at school or at home
• It is certainly ingested daily by a large percentage of students
• Attempts by government agencies to regulate its distribution and use are often ridiculed and stopped before being enacted

So, should we be worried about this dangerous chemical compound? It does have many practical uses and even healthful benefits to virtually all plants and animals. More importantly, hydroxic acid is more commonly known not so much as DHMO but by either its chemical formula or a vernacular term. DHMO is dihydrogen monoxide… H₂O… water.

And one more: embedding is disabled on this one, but it’s definitely worth a click.

A Debate Evolves

I recently read a discussion here that was spurred by a New York Times article there. I read only a fraction of the hundreds of comments on the NYT article and, as expected, they were not all as polite or well-stated.

I am tolerant of other people’s beliefs, but I bristle when they believe that non-scientists should be able to decide what is taught in science classes. For me it is no problem if a science class and a religion class [or one's school and one's church or home] teach information which is contradictory and incompatible. They are different approaches to our attempts to understand the world and our place in it. I would even go so far as to say it is important to learn about things you do not agree with — you’ll have to deal with people that disagree with you all your life, you might as well try to understand their point of view. [I hesitate to use the "agree to disagree" phrase because I've worked with too many people for whom that is code for "I disagree with you and therefore don't have to listen to your point of view" -- NOT the same thing at all.]

Anyway, I was surprised by a comment that stated:

Noah may have brought some dinosaurs with him on the Ark.

That was a new one on me. The commenter went on to explain, “I believe everything incapable of surviving a worldwide flood was preserved aboard the Ark.” Okay, I see how believing that statement could lead to the previous one. [I do not, however, consider either statement to be scientific.] But I wonder then, what happened to the dinosaurs after the flood? Does he believe they were hunted to extinction?

Regrettably, I didn’t see the discussion until a couple weeks after it was posted. I asked the question anyway, but I’m not hopeful I’ll get an answer there. How about here? Anyone have similar beliefs?

Thy Name is Folly

It looks like Hurricane Ike is going to miss Central Florida. Of course, the Gulf coast area where it seems to be headed doesn’t need it any more than we do. The other night someone told me that if her son Kyle is any indication then Hurricane Kyle is likely to be the most destructive of this season.

“You know,” I told her, “some teachers can’t have children because they’ve run out of names that they don’t hate….”

Really. Sometimes I slay me….

And I don’t remember whether I ever passed on this bit of wisdom that I read over the summer:

Electricity come from electrons. Morality comes from morons.