“Evan, is it true?” asked Bob.
“Yup, I’m out of here.”
“But why?”
“Look, Chuckles the Clown here,” Evan rolled his eyes at the security guard that towered over him, “is only giving me one hour to clean out my desk. Come over tonight and I’ll fill you in.”
The security guard, who never enjoyed escorting employees — former employees — off the property, simply glared at him and said nothing.
…
Bob balanced a six pack on top of the pizza box and rang the bell. Evan opened the door and stood there with a distinctive glassy-eyed stare. Several empty cans littered the coffee table and floor. Bringing more beer suddenly seemed like a supremely stupid thing to do.
“Look,” Bob grabbed the six pack and held it behind his back and pushed the pizza box under his friend’s chin, “I brought your favorite meat-lover’s pizza. Let’s sit down and have a slice or three.”
“Sure. Come on in, buddy. Happy frikkin’ new year!”
Evan dropped into his La-Z-Boy while Bob cleared space on the coffee table. When they had both taken a few minutes to wolf down a slice Bob asked, “So, did they really fire you?”
“Technically, I resigned. But they made it clear they would fire me if I didn’t. They even had me date the resignation two weeks ago so it would look like I gave notice.”
“What the hell? I thought things were going great.”
“Apparently there were complaints from customers. Some said they thought I was making fun of them. Some said they were so put off by my attitude that they would never deal with the company again.”
“No way….”
“Way.”
“But did you explain why you were acting –”
“Yeah, right! Tell HR that some ghost appeared to me in a dream? They would have had hauled me off to the loony bin. No, it’s better this way. At least I leave with my dignity intact.”
“I guess so. I mean, is it?”
“Better? Sure”
“Well, no. I mean is your dignity intact? After all, you were acting in good faith. I’m sure those customer’s feathers could have been smoothed over.”
“Probably, but you know when your boss isn’t willing to back you up there’s not much point in fighting. I guess they figure it was too much of a PR hassle.”
“I suppose.”
“I read some of the customer complaints. The big guys just don’t have the balls to stand up to them. Or they really do think I’m wrong. In either case, I’m better off going somewhere else.”
“So what are you going to do? Where are you going to find another job in this economy?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got a little savings and the boss did slip me some severance pay off the books. I’ll just have to hit the bricks like everyone else.”
“And when they ask why you left your last job?”
Evan mulled it over for a minute. “I’ll tell them I had gone as far as I could with the company and the only way to advance in my career was to go somewhere else. That’s pretty much true.”
“But you won’t tell them about….?”
“The dream? Hell no. Besides, at this point I figure that’s about the worst advice I ever got in my entire life. I might never smile again.”
“Oh, dude… you know I’m your best friend and I’ll stand by you no matter what, but… well, to tell you the truth, I kind of liked you better after that dream.”
“And see what it got me?”
“Yeah, but except for, you know, getting fired, wasn’t it better for you too? I mean this might turn out to be one of those things that looks bad but turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.”
“Hmmpff.”
The two friends ate another slice of pizza in silence. But the words Evan had read kept ringing in his ears like taunting silver bells: “excessively cheerful… disgusting happiness… unfettered joy… out of touch with reality….”
…
In a cloaked ship orbiting overhead the aliens marked their experiment on Evan as an unqualified success.
.
Note: I trust that this restores the faith in my cynicism that some of you thought had slipped away in my Christmas Spirit flash. Happy frikkin’ new year everyone!
~Tim
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