I poured myself a shot from a new bottle of bourbon and then secured the bottle in the bottom drawer of my desk. Just then the door creaked open and in strode a spindly sort of fellow — a tall, lean man with sharp, piercing eyes, hawk-like nose, and a square, prominent jaw. He scanned swiftly from the sign on my door which says, “J.P. Worthett, Private Investigations,” to me and stated, “I deduce that you are Worthett.”
Noting the British timbre of his voice I deduced he wasn’t native to the borough. “Please come in and take a seat,” I replied. “What can I do for you, Mister…?”
“My name Sherl — Sherman. Sherman… House.” He settled in the chair opposite me. “I should like to consult with you on a singular problem.”
“Okay, Sherman,” I put perhaps a bit more emphasis on the name than was necessary, “tell me about your ‘singular problem.’”
He fished a meerschaum pipe from his coat pocket and fidgeted nervously. His fingers appeared to be stained with ink or some sort of chemicals. “I’ve come from some distance away,” he said, “and my usual confidantes are unavailable. I trust you can keep a secret?”
“So far.”
“Jolly good. I find that explaining a problem to someone else helps me see it more clearly. I’m looking for someone.” He clenched the pipe in his teeth but didn’t light it.
“Who are you looking for?”
“A man. He most certainly is not using his real name, but I’m afraid I don’t know what name, or indeed names, he currently uses. He was recently employed as a math teacher in a primary school.”
“Elementary,” I interjected.
“How’s that? What?”
“Here on this side of the pond we call them ‘elementary schools’ not ‘primary schools,’ but I’m guessing that is not how you lost his trail.”
“Quite.” He returned the pipe to his pocket. “He has also held posts as a private tutor in mathematics, but of course in both instances I refer only to his legitimate covers. He is in fact a master criminal.”
“And how sure are you that he is here amid the huddled masses?”
“Quite.”
I waited for some elaboration, or at least for him to finish the sentence. He apparently determined that neither was necessary. “What does this fellow look like?”
“He changes his appearance quite regularly, but in general he is medium height, medium weight, and medium coloring. Really rather a bland sort, which makes it easy for him to blend in most places.”
“Does he know that you’re in pursuit?”
“Most assuredly. He taunts me at every turn.”
“He communicates with you?”
“We leave encoded messages for each other in the personal ads of several widely available newspapers.”
I let that sink in for a moment. “What was the last message you received?”
He fished a thin packet of newspaper clippings from his breast pocket. “Here are the last several of our exchanges.” He deposited the pages on my desk. I leafed through the series of personal ads and then spread them out side by side on my desk.
THE DOG BARKS AT MIDNIGHT ~M
THE DOG DID NOT BARK AT ALL ~S
DOGS DON'T MAKE MISTAKES ~M
THE PLLOOOTTTT ~S
IT = ITSSIMPLICITYELF ~M
IT = TRIFLE, OF COURSE ~S
NOTHING > TRIFLES ~M
THE GAME IS 12 INCHES ~S
TWSS AND I'M WORTH IT ~M
“That’s certainly an… intriguing exchange,” I said.
“Shall I interpret them for you?”
“No, thanks. I get the gist of it. As you said, he’s taunting you.”
“Quite.”
“And the last one of these, that’s what brought you knocking on my door. You had to find out whether I’m one of his fronts.”
“Quite so, but I could see immediately that such is not the case. You are many things, sir — a war veteran, a lowlife, a cynic, and a drunk for example — but you are basically honest and certainly no master criminal in disguise.”
“Um… thanks?”
“No thanks necessary. I state only what I observe and deduce, you see I–”
“Getting back to your problem, Sherman. May I be so bold as to make a suggestion?”
“Certainly, sir.”
“Go home.”
He seemed frozen for a minute or so, sitting with his fingers steepled, staring at some distant point. Suddenly he jumped to his feet.
“By Jove, that’s brilliant! You remind me of my brother Mycr — er, Michael — whom I value as the finest mind in all of Britannia. Those clues were clearly intended to draw me away from home and divert my attention. Like a fool I followed right down the rabbit hole. No telling what nefarious plot has been hatched in my absence. I must return home at once.”
And with that he was out the door like a shot.
I picked up the phone and arranged to have a telegram sent to London.
WATSON, EVERYTHING WENT JUST AS YOU PLANNED. EXPECT HE WILL BE ON NEXT SHIP HOME. LET ME KNOW IF HE WANDERS THIS WAY AGAIN. REGARDS, WORTHETT.
I grinned and sipped my bourbon.
.
Note: I like Worthett. I introduced the character here and then he reappeared here and here.
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